Rapport in Relationships: 2012

Saturday 15 December 2012

Remembrances

The fog lifts its wispy weight, light filters through

Creating illusions of a new world, realigned maps of living

Shifting sands, new beginnings, new sounds & feelings

Seamlessly integrating old maps and new.

In the midst of the new, come remembrances of the old

Remnants of a word, sweet fragrances, tastes of yore

Rejuvenating feelings, pangs of remembrances

With fleeting glimpses into a world known before.

The world forges on, no room for those gone

Things to be done, compelling like a song

Taking comfort in daily routines, finding succour in faith

Days pass by; nights pass by, with grace and hope.

Days of a past life, sweet remembered fantasy

Captured words, sounds, experiences of a life time

Cherished treasures, bringing succour in the night time

Bottled remembrances, for ever in eyes that see.

Now, a struggle to remember a loving face

A soft nuance in voice, tender touch of a hand

Finding they are just wisps of the lifting fog

Butterflies that give joy, never to be caught.

Tears give way, despair moves to hope

Beginnings of a smile, taking comfort in the ‘now’

Life’s intricate mosaic designs, a kaleidoscope

Designed, created, executed, by One who knows best.

From dust to dust, just an earthly chapter closed

Leaving memories galore, impressions of love

A feathery touch, an indelible mark

Alive as hope in our lives, forever in our heart.

- Ann Joseph

Written in loving memory of my mother

List of poems penned:
Blessed are thy ways oh Lord http://rapportinrelationships.blogspot.in/2012/11/blessed-are-thy-ways-o-lord.html
Life - an Illusion http://rapportinrelationships.blogspot.in/2012/12/life-illusion.html
An Ode to my mother - http://rapportinrelationships.blogspot.in/2012/11/an-ode-to-my-mother.html
Remembrances http://rapportinrelationships.blogspot.in/2012/12/remembrances.html
Aloneness http://rapportinrelationships.blogspot.in/2013/10/aloneness.html

http://rapportinrelationships.blogspot.in/2014/11/moments.html

http://rapportinrelationships.blogspot.in/2014/11/when-love-finds-self.html
http://rapportinrelationships.blogspot.in/2014/12/what-is-love.html
http://rapportinrelationships.blogspot.in/2014/11/the-dance-of-truth.html

Monday 3 December 2012

Life - an Illusion?

Helter-skelter we run everyday

Caught up in life’s daily race

Friends galore, work uninterrupted

Give meaning to living everyday.

Studies & books – life’s worth for some

Money & work – sustenance for many

For others – collectibles that give some relief

Status – a defining post for many.

Running after goals, at cost of some others

Is cause of pain too many;

Changing goal posts, where do they end?

A never ending race for many.

Good health enjoyed without a thought

Taking the body for granted.

It takes an illness to bring in some thought

And a lifestyle reformatted.

Realising dreams, Life’s sudden jerks

Success galore, Steep learning curves

Here today, gone tomorrow

Wisps in the air, tricks of the mind.

Attempting to understand what matters most

A lifetime’s journey for some

Till a pause at death’s stark post

Life’s kaleidoscope, still and dark.

Here today, gone tomorrow

The mind struggles to make sense

Something and nothing – twin sides to being

Essentials to living, now and the morrow.

From nothing to nothing, no words need be

A sense of being, feelings deep within

Hope, faith and love, a reason to be

Abiding, ever present, forever within.
- Ann Joseph

http://rapportinrelationships.blogspot.in/2014/11/moments.html

Wednesday 28 November 2012

Blessed are thy ways O Lord

Umpteen though they may be

Myriad paths and tangled webs

Leading to where we need be.

Countless are the times O Lord

That I have wondered aloud

If there be a God in the midst of pain

When sorrow overwhelms me.

Can it be that thorns and briars

Will transform into flowers and bloom?

Nay, it seems impossible

When seen in the midst of the gloom.

When I look back at times gone by

With memory filled heart and mind

Now lilies in bloom at every layby

Where first were arid lands.

Little did I know of a heavenly map

That takes us to where we need be

Providing succour to the weary heart

At every cross that seems too heavy.

Countless are thy ways O Lord

Providing hope to the weary

A hug, a word, love unmeasured

A deluge that calms the soul.

A rock, a refuge - that’s what You are

A shelter in every storm

Joining all the dots of my life

In sweet melodious symphony.

Blessed are thy ways O Lord

Wonderful in every which way

A thankful heart , eyes that now see

A divine plan that may be.
- Ann Joseph

http://rapportinrelationships.blogspot.in/2014/11/moments.html

Thursday 15 November 2012

An Ode to my Mother

In this twilight time as I gaze at death’s door

Trying to snatch time with Mum against all hope

Remembering years gone by, time that has flown

Over 41 years of being moored at her shore.

As I look back through childhood, teenage and adulthood years

Through times of innocence, joy, despair, sickness and health

Despite roller coaster rides of love, anger and heart-burn

She remains the port of call during every storm.

Now when frail weak hands clasp mine for support

I remember that these hands once helped me walk.

When I soothe brows bowed in pain and grief

I remember with tears, times when she did the same.

Through knitted sweaters, embroidered linen & clothes stitched

A love for baking and a spotless house bereft of disorder

She never allowed her ‘ill-health’ to become a crutch

Rather, working doubly hard to ensure normal order.

Through all my teenage years

And through times I’ve got unwanted advice

I never would’ve imagined a time would come

When I would grieve so, and long for her advice.

Now as I reflect on her life & ponder what impacts me most:

A capacity to tap on hidden strengths from deep within

Turning ‘weakness’ into strength, bounce back from every post

A deep abiding love for all and faith in God.

When I see frail hands of my parents entwined

Holding in the present, a deep connection of nearly 50 years

I realise what a privilege I’ve been given

To be born to parents such as mine.

I take a snapshot of memories of my growing up years

And realise that in all of them she remains in pain

It grieves me so but I hope and pray

That she soon finds peace and rest for her weary soul.

As tears cloud my eyes and I can scarce write

I know I will grieve for times gone by

Only to realise that she lives in my life

And when I am quiet, I’ll hear her in my heart.
- Ann Joseph

http://rapportinrelationships.blogspot.in/2014/11/moments.html

Monday 29 October 2012

Rapport in death

Wikipedia says “The word Rapport stems from the old French verb rapporter which means literally to carry something back. What a person sends out, the other sends back – They are in sync.” Yesterday, while in a meditative state, I was struck by this thought – Am I ready to accept death as a blessing? Can I accept that there could be rapport in death? Death – as applied to many different contexts – death of self, death to self, death of a loved one.

My thought process ran amok with startled thoughts and ideas. I remembered a Bible verse which says “Truly, truly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit”: John 12:24. I thought this was worth dwelling over. Could one ever be in rapport with death? One of the many definitions of death is a cessation of breathing, a termination or extinction of something. If so, how does death bear fruit?

Those who've experienced meditation will understand that we become aware of ourselves (self-awareness) when we extinguish the cacophony of noise that surround us. We become aware of our innermost being when we plough through the multitude of thoughts, ideas and feelings that flood our minds 24/7/365, to the deepest recesses of our being, where everything but “I, me, myself”, is dead. When we reach our deepest recesses, we reach a place of tranquility resourcefulness, life-giving sustenance and a deep sense of communion with that part of ourselves which is called by different names by different people -the ‘Unconscious’ (as it outside of conscious thought and feeling) or the ‘Spirit’ . When in this place, going by personal experience, the so called facets of life – sound, feeling, thoughts, words, actions – become immaterial. A state of rapport exists – between self (conscious self) and our innermost self (unconscious self). In death then, are we truly alive. We become dead to thoughts, words, sounds and feelings and become aware of the still quiet voice within us, which comes to life and becomes heard in the absence of the humdrum of daily life.

How about getting in rapport with the death of a loved one? The act of getting in communion with one’s innermost self is in itself an act which requires no words, thoughts, action or bodily interpretation. At the deepest level of rapport with another person, it’s an unconscious one and has no rhyme or reason or explanation. So what difference does the presence or absence of the bodily form of another person make to the rapport that exists between the two? Rapport between persons in its purest form is a communion of two souls, two spirits - when we can reach down deep inside ourselves and know that we touch and are in sync with the other. When we reach this level of rapport – we can truly count death in every form as a blessing.

Monday 1 October 2012

Embracing vulnerability to anticipatory grief, pain and loss

I read recently that there are oftentimes ‘peaks and valleys’ in the life of a terminally ill person. Corresponding with them are emotional ‘peaks and valleys’ in the lives of the caregivers, and I say this from my personal experience of the last few years and more profoundly, the last few weeks and days. The 'valleys' corresponded of late, in my case, to the periods of intense anticipatory grief and loss. Periods in which I thought I would crumble under the sheer agony of anticipatory grief. Hence this attempt to reach out to all those who might have had or be having similar experiences.

Rev Richard Rohr says that we need to become vulnerable to pain and that accompanying a loved person on the last few months, weeks and days of life’s journey is a profound experience – one which has the potential to change our lives, should we be open enough to allow that change to happen. I couldn’t agree more.

How do we deal with this concept called ‘anticipatory grief’, which is experienced by some, not all; and that too with varying degrees of intensity? Well it has been an extremely tough journey for me and it would have continued to be so were it not for certain things I did and experienced, small variations of what is called Visual –Kinesthetic -Dissociation in NLP.

1. Identify the crux of the grief. In peace and quiet, I asked my innermost self, my unconscious – ‘what is it that I am really grieving for?’ Keep asking till you hit the root. And the answer in my case was twofold: a) The grief of confronting and dealing with the actual death of the loved one, and b) the grief of loss – dealing with the emptiness that would ensue.

2. Keeping your eyes closed, form a mental image in fantasy, of what you are grieving for (in my case, I had to do it twice – one for each of the above). Take note of the people in it, the colours; frame it like a picture and keep it straight ahead and as far away from you as you desire. You do not have to force yourself to look at the picture if it causes you grief – just take quick nanosecond snapshots of the image and open your eyes in between those shots. Do this till you feel comfortable with looking at the frame at the distance it is kept. Bring it progressively closer and repeat the process.

3. Become aware of the emotions and subtle nuances in the picture. Stay with them; check what it does to you. If you were to become a bird and fly above and as close to the picture frame as possible, maybe even through the picture, become aware of how would it feel as you do so. Also become aware of the type of bird you have become. Get a feel of the changes in feelings and emotions as you bring the picture frame of the image as close to you as is comfortable.

4. Take a moment to consider what additional resources you would like that future self of you dealing with/ in that picture, to have. What in your opinion would be the additional abilities and strengths that you would like yourself to have in the future when actually dealing with the situation in reality?

5. Identify those resources and give it to that future self in your framed picture. See how that transforms or changes the image. Check how that feels within. Does it feel fine, comfortable, peaceful? Take heed of any objections that your unconscious might raise and ask for its positive intention. If ok, take a moment to feel those resources within you in the present. Become aware of how they change your emotions and feelings. Feel the movement of energy with you, the future being part of the present in you. And when you are comfortable with the experience, open your eyes.

Becoming vulnerable to experience pain throws open windows of awareness - awareness of self and others. Experiencing and becoming aware of learning’s from anticipatory grief and loss opens up deep pools of strength within, if we but learn to draw succour from them.

Sunday 29 July 2012

Communication in sales and customer service

Importance of communication in sales and customer service – is it much ado about nothing? Many a talk or seminar has been given on communication and sales. Countless books have been written. Sales training focus on product knowledge, selling techniques and touch points with customers. Yet, in all the training I do and interactions I have with salespersons in India, I find that if there is one prime focus area in sales and customer service that is lacking – it is communication.

What brought this on my mind? A couple of days ago, I received a phone call from a leading life insurance company in India – ostensibly to convey customer service guidelines. The sonorous voice of the telecaller, reading from a ready script was designed to send me to an early afternoon nap. It also put me off any further interactions with the company. The good part however – it gave me inputs for this blog. Here are some of my reflections on the learning we get from the quality of the call - many of which have been oft repeated but little practiced among salespersons.

1. Voice modulation – The importance of voice in sales or customer service cannot be over emphasised. This is irrespective of whether it is a face to face interaction or a tele-call. A hesitant voice will convey a lack of confidence to the customer. A sonorous voice will typify boredom. Let your voice project interest and excitement to the customer. Needless to say, voice modulation is the key. Your customer will make decisions based on how you communicate, not just what you communicate.

2. Pauses are intrinsic in a good communication – use pauses to check whether the recipient of your communication is with you on the same page. The person interacted with me talked with me in a robotic fashion – allowing me no time to even put a word in.

3. Encourage the customer to talk – it’s a well know but little practiced fact that the customer should speak more than the salesperson. Ask questions and get them to speak. Have conversations with the customer. They are to be talked with, not talked to.

4. Listen to customers. Practice TALK – Total Acceptance and Listening with Kustomers. Many an important sales trigger is lost because of lack of listening. Listen with total acceptance and empathise with the customer’s point of view.
5. KISS – Keep It Short and Simple, in the interest of clarity. Much as jargon sounds good, customers may not understand or be impressed. Keep the communication short. ‘Shorter and more sentences’ are better than ‘fewer and longer sentences’.

Read other blogs on communication

Take charge of your communication

Communication patterns
Becoming better listeners

Tuesday 17 July 2012

Elevator Sales Pitch – 10 tips to elevate your speech

A lot has been written and spoken about how an elevator sales pitch should be. For those of you for whom the term is new – it’s an introductory sales pitch that introduces you, your work and how it can benefit the person you are speaking to. It generates interest and is short enough to be communicated within the timespan of an elevator ride. This is something that a salesperson keeps ready and handy to be used at all times.

So I am not going to repeat what countless other people have said on how an elevator sales pitch should be constructed. What I would like to draw you attention to are some essential elements of an elevator speech, which could prove to be the tipping point of its success.

1. Spontaneous and eloquent – at the risk of sounding repetitive - practice, practice and practice till it appears spontaneous and not something that has been learnt out of the words of a book. Also, eloquence is the key. Fumbling through sentences takes the impact out of it.

2. Does your voice convey confidence in what you offer? In the absence of time to convey confidence through your product or service, the potential customer senses the strength of your service through your voice. Record your sales pitch and replay. How does it sound? Does your voice need assertiveness, modulation, pauses?

3. Simplicity is the key. The use of short crisp sentences, simple words cannot be over emphasised.

4. What is the benefit to the listener? Let the listener grasp what there is in it for him.

5. Rapport, rapport, rapport – get into rapport with the listener. Else your pitch will sound and feel obtrusive.

6. Elevator sales pitch should be what it suggests – short. Much as we like to hear our own voices, brevity is of utmost importance.

7. Inspire curiosity - Choose you words with care. They should offer a glimpse, tantalise and make the listener interested enough to give you a second hearing.

8. Take a moment to reflect if your gestures and body language inspire confidence. Are they congruent with the image and message you are sending across through words? The mirror gives true feedback.

9. Is your message appealing enough to paint a picture in the recipient’s mind, make him want to listen to you some more, inspire feelings of curiosity? Pay attention to the picture the message creates, the sound of it and the feelings it inspires – an ideal combination of all three.

10. Be flexible to adapt – the moment you sense a barrier, change your approach. The content can be the same – the approach different.

Elevate your speech such that it catches attention even in an elevator.

For more readings on selling, read:

Selling skills of a successful salesperson

Five secrets to confident communication in sales

Saying No to the customer

Service in 'Customer Focus' while selling

Selling with a difference

Rapport in selling

Monday 16 July 2012

Emotional vulnerability equates courage

Vulnerability equates courage? For many this is very difficult to comprehend. How can putting myself out there in the open - susceptible to emotional hurt - be a moment of courage for me? My thoughts, words and actions all naturally work towards ensuring that my vulnerabilities are least exposed. So I posture such that I am perceived to be someone with no chinks in my emotional set-up. It’s a defence mechanism which for many, come as natural as breathing.

In fact, many of us would equate emotional vulnerability with weakness. I would not like to put myself open to ridicule, pain and hurt. When I expose my vulnerability, what would others think of me? I would rather go without than open myself to scrutiny. Little do I realise however, that covering up or posturing, just feeds the feeling of vulnerability. And then the next time I feel vulnerable, it manifests itself even more within me. And so begins the vicious cycle, with little room for escape.

Yet there is hope for escape - By opening up and acknowledging my vulnerability. When I allow myself to reach out and confess, first of all to myself, that I am only human. When I decide to take that first baby step and test the ground, not knowing if my legs will support me or not; when I decide to take a chance & open out the window of my emotional framework to others- even if it is just a crack; that is when I take a chance on leaving myself open and vulnerable. This is an act of the greatest courage. Often what we perceive as a weakness, is truly courage and strength of the highest order. Just as a bean bag is often perceived to lack strength – it however provides an inner support in any which way.

It takes great courage to lay ones heart on the line in a relationship; it takes immense guts for a leader to admit that he/she too could make mistakes; it takes immense strength for a parent to be able to admit to a child that he/she may not be perfect and know everything. All it requires is a willingness to let go – to let go of self and allow myself to become vulnerable. In letting go, I realise that I drift into nothingness. And in that nothingness, lie my greatest strengths – for there is nothing to prove, nothing to protect myself from.

Does this willingness to be vulnerable come naturally? Not to me and to a million others like me. It's a decision we take day after day after day. And with each iteration, it becomes just that little bit easier to open that window a wee bit more...to experience that strength, power and courage that comes with vulnerability.

Friday 4 May 2012

Selling skills of a successful salesperson

I have noticed that every salesperson has sales skills in varying degrees. What bears scrutiny are those critical selling skills which prove to be the tipping factor between the average salesperson and the confident, successful salesperson. In my opinion, these essential selling skills would be:

1. The skill of forging lasting relationships: The focus of sales is shifting from pushing a sale, to one based on relationship building. Successful salespeople develop their ability to develop client relationships that have its foundation based on honesty. These relationships go way beyond the surface skimming, back slapping interactions with the client. They move onto a deeper and subtle relationship of trust and rapport and an awareness of co-dependence. A point that is beautifully brought out in the movie “The Avengers (2012)”, that I viewed recently. All the super heroes of the movie are brilliant on their own; however they attain success against the common enemy only when trust and rapport get established among themselves. The super salesperson also similarly needs to establish rapport, not only with the client, but 360 degrees – with team, organisation and the client.

2. Listening skills: Contrary to what is generally perceived, the successful salesperson is one who invests more time in listening attentively to the customer than in talking to him. A lot is learnt of the customers’ needs and wants by listening attentively and understanding the customers’ requirements. Tough to practice when we are itching to take the reins in our hands and wanting to bulldoze our way through with a mouth that runs a mile a minute. Customers want to be heard most of the time. not talked to. It is a skill worth developing.

3. Skilful questioning: In fact, successful salespersons go a step beyond listening and enable the customer to take the buying decision, simply by asking the appropriate questions. Questioning skills is an art that very few people are master of. And it goes much beyond what is commonly perceived as open and closed questioning techniques. It’s involves becoming aware of the deletions and generalisations and filling in the gaps through appropriate challenging questions.

4. Skilful projection of Confidence: in self, organisation and the product/service. The customer is quick to hone in on the slightest dip in confidence in the salesperson. Start believing in yourself, your organisation and the product or service you sell. Even a fleeting hesitancy shown in any of these areas will be quickly picked up by the customer. Self-confidence is projected through voice, mannerisms and product knowledge. If you don't know something, have the confidence to say so and then get the information. When you show confidence as if you already have it, it soon becomes reality.

5. Follow-up skills: Rome was not built in a day. Neither does a sale, with exceptions. One of the greatest investments a successful salesperson makes is in time. Determination to follow up without giving up is a hallmark of a truly successful salesperson.

Other posts on selling:

Five secrets to confident communication in sales
Saying No to the customer
Service in 'Customer Focus' while selling
Selling with a difference
Rapport in selling
Elevator sales pitch - 10 points to elevate your speech

Wednesday 2 May 2012

Relationships and shoe sizes

Relationships and shoe sizes? You may wonder what type of a new combo this is and also at the connection between shoe sizes and relationships. As part of growing up, I’m sure everyone has had varying experiences with changing shoe sizes. Relationships may be related to shoe sizes – they grow and change with time. I consider that any relationship, be it between partners, spouses, friends, employer-employee, parent-child may be divided into four phases and each phase is to be experienced in full and dealt with differently. The four Phases:

1. Nascency: The beginning of a relationship is a gentle one of exploration and tentative first steps, even as the shoe size of a child grows gently at first. This phase of a relationship is a ‘getting to know’ phase and needs to be treated with kid gloves. Much is learnt about the relationship, even as the child learns which shoe sizes, shapes and designs are suitable for him or her. A lot of excitement is there in the newness of the relationship and time is invested in it, even as a child who first starts wearing shoes spends much of his waking moments wearing the shoe.

2. The Surge: After the initial phase, the growth of the shoe size of a child becomes steady, as do relationships which grow and flourish with time. During this period of growth, there are sudden spurts of intense growth followed by a period of lull when there no seemingly outward indication of growth. When relationships between individuals grow, an expectation sets in of how the pace or depth of relationship will be over time. And when it doesn’t happen as per expectation, doubts creep in. As happens with shoe sizes, nothing can be predicted. Even during periods of seemingly no outward growth, there is a deepening of relationship in the calm still steps, if only one takes the effort to become aware of it.

3. Vacillatory: There are also times when the increase in shoe size of an adolescent seem disproportionate to the increase in height. This may sometimes lead to disenchantment and questioning of the process happening within. This largely happens due to expectations of the human mind. Situations crop up in relations that may sound discordant with the symphony of the relationship thus far. Much like a square peg to be fit into a round hole. One expects the relationship to proceed in a certain way and when it deviates from what we expect to be the growth path, doubts creep in surreptitiously. Accept the deviations. Relationships rarely conform to expectations. It’s the expectation that is the culprit, not the relationship.

4. Sustainability: After the growth phase comes the plateau. The shoe size reaches its destined final size. A comfortable place to be in, as there would finally appear to be stability. Relationships between individuals also reach a stage of maturity and understanding. It levels off at this point. A feel good factor creeps in. Sometimes complacency sets in. What may be done to nurture the relationship at this point? Consider what adults do, after the attaining their final shoe size. They keep the interest alive by exploring new depths like shoe designs, colours, materials etc. within the given shoe size. Relationships also need to be kept alive and vibrant by exploring new avenues to keep the relationship intact. That’s when both feet and relationships remain comfortable and flourish.

Experience of each phase of a relationship is unique for an individual as also the time spent on each phase. This may vary from relationship to relationship for the same person too.

Monday 30 April 2012

Five Secrets to Confident Communication in Sales

Over the course of the past several years of training different profiles of people, I sense an angst in many of them when I ask them to step forward and speak in front of the group or when asked to do a role play. I have also overheard many salespersons unwittingly convey a lack of confidence in their communications with customers. Having come from a place where confident communication has been an acquired art which has been refined in the school of tough situations, I fully empathise with the situation that many find themselves in. Hence I pen these thoughts on the secrets to becoming confident communicators.

1. Create a mental map of success: Visualise yourself in the situation in the future, communicating confidently. Become aware of the minute expressions of your face, your gestures and your relaxed state. Adjust the brightness and rearrange the facial expressions and gestures till you are completely satisfied. Listen to the sound of your voice, and tune it if required, till you hear the sound of confidence in your voice. Freeze the picture. Magnify it as if it were under a lens. It works wonders every time.

2. Practice, practice, practice: Practice creates confidence. Rehearse commonly used talk lines of a sales process. Particularly practice talking about how the customer stands to benefit from your product. There is a reason for having role plays – practising makes perfect, even if it is a pretend situation. The tougher the situations practiced, the better prepared we are. Grab every opportunity to practice.

3. Listen: there is great strength in the silence of listening. It is indeed surprising that having spent nine months in the womb just listening to subtle sounds; we lose the propensity to listen as we mature. Much is learnt from listening. Oftentimes we are lulled into thinking that the world acknowledges and eulogises only the talkers. The rhythmic sound of the falling drops of water will be heard only in the silence. Similarly, the nuances of the thought being communicated both verbal and non-verbal, may be understood only in the silence of listening. And many a sale is lost by the art of non- listening.

4. Let your voice reflect your confidence. Become aware of the tonality, the pitch, the modulation of the voice and let your confidence become reflected through your voice. Become aware of whether your voice projection reflects assertiveness. A person can reel off technical jargons but if he does that in a squeaky or high pitched voice, the customer just might back off. Let the origin of your voice be from your body, not your head. Relax, breathe deeply and the muscles will relax, allowing the voice to flow out like rich molten chocolate.

5. Be watchful and have flexibility. Become aware of the effect of your communication. Be poised to change the way you communicate if you feel the desired response is not obtained. Unlike what is usually thought, the person with the most flexibility in an interaction has the controls of the communication.

Refer to my blogs "Communication Patterns" and "Becoming better listeners" for further readings

Sunday 22 April 2012

Labelling relationships

Do we relate to people by the labels or titles we assign them? I’m sure many of us do. Wife, mother, sister, brother, father, friend, partner, boss, co-worker, customer…the list is endless. It lends order, structure and definition in a chaotic world, in terms of how we relate, taking into consideration the dos and don’ts of society and also our own preference patterns.

Let’s take a moment to ponder. What is the basis of the relationships we have? Do we limit our experience of the relationship to the nomenclature of the label? We look at the relationship from one angle – from the angle of the label we have assigned. Do we at any point pause to consider that the person we are relating to is an individual whose entity goes much beyond the label assigned? An individual who may be a friend to one, a parent to another, a spouse to another, customer, boss & co-worker to another. He or she is defined not by any one relationship, but an amalgamation of all relationships.

I wonder what would happen if we were to expand our horizons to beyond the labels we perceive in relations. Would the borders that define the relation then be a linear line or one which blurs into the horizon? The point here is that the borders of the relationship are ones which we draw. Would it limit the relationship or expand it? What will then change – will the limits of the relationship change? I guess they might become dynamic, as we still have the choice to acknowledge and define the boundaries. Would our perception of the person and relationship as a whole change? I should hope so. As there would then be an awareness of whole new dimensions to the individual we are relating to, not just the dimension that we relate to. Now to the bottom line. How does that help us? This increased awareness of the different facets of the individual would then give us flexibility in our own interactions, enriching the relationship by giving cognizance to the dynamics of the multiple factors at play. It would expand our awareness of the universe at large and give a sense of being a part of a whole. In the process it enables us go beyond the labels we define ourselves by, redefine the resources and identity we have.

Wednesday 4 April 2012

Saying 'No' to the customer

A week ago I was fortunate to attend a course with an Irish lady who, upon knowing the nature of my work, commented, “I hope you train the salesperson in India on how to say no”. It is a profound statement indeed. And I constantly wonder – how is it that the salesperson finds it so difficult to say no to the customer? Even if he/she does have the ability to say no, it inevitably (with exceptions of course) also sounds quite rude.

So I thought of dedicating this blog to the debate of whether the ability to say no to a customer is an essential skill for the salesperson. Some would argue that it is good to have the skill, but not an essential one to have. And that it certainly is not necessary to train the front line salesperson in this skill as an essential do-or-die sales skill. In comparison to the more essential selling skills of understanding, probing and closing the sale, it pales in significance.

I would beg to differ a wee bit on the above. While there is no dispute that understanding the customer and closing the sale are skills without which no salesperson may be called a successful one, I feel that developing the ability to say no to the customer is also fast emerging as a lifesaving skill for the salesperson. Only because future relationships with the customer or potential customer may hinge on this ability of the salesperson. In my experience of training salespersons, particularly from the retail industry, I find that in most cases, the normal salesperson gets flummoxed when faced with a situation when he/she has to say no to the customer. In extreme cases it’s almost like a fear psychosis. It could be in situations as varied when to say no for a price reduction to a service related issue. It is almost as if the DNA of the salesperson in India is lacking this essential component.

Let me explain why I consider this an essential trait to develop, especially among front end salespersons. Nothing irritates a customer more than a ubiquitous answer that evades the question. It is as false as a misleading answer that breaches the delicate trust the customer places on the salesperson. I say this is a fast emerging lifesaving skill because the budding relationship between customer and the salesperson can be shattered by an inappropriately uttered ‘No’.

The balance of power and equation between seller-customer lies in the ability of the seller to say no when the situation demands it, and say it with conviction (firmness) and humility (politeness), the two sides of the coin bearing the word ‘No’. What many fail to understand is that most customers will appreciate an honest and clear cut answer, and will remain a valued customer for life. What is essential to remember here is that the no is said appropriately, with an ingrained politeness and an explanation on why a no is being said. It should also be a no that is crystal clear - not a confusing maybe. Further additional value is felt by the customer if that explanation is followed by a suggestion of alternatives for the customer, if available, so that the customer feels good on sensing a window of options in the brick wall he/she has just encountered.

For further readings on selling, go to:

Five secrets to confident communication in sales

Service in 'Customer Focus' while selling

Selling with a difference

Rapport in selling

Sunday 18 March 2012

Dealing with Grief

The common perceptions of grief are the feelings which arise on the passing away of a loved one. I have spent the past two years reading many books on grief, death and dying. The most beautiful among them being ‘On Grief and Grieving’ by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross and David Kessler, which talks about the five stages of grieving – denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.

Recently, when someone approached me for help to deal with the pain of separation, I realised that what this person is going through is also intense grief or bereavement, yet in another form. It set me thinking. Can the five stages of grieving be applied to grief in situations such as separation, a break-up or even simple plain unrequited love too? And the answer I got was –absolutely yes. Grief is to do with loss or perceived loss and is not limited to death alone.

In such situations, some common questions that arise are – Why me? What is in it for me? What did I do to warrant such pain? Much as we would want answers to these questions, the hard truth is that we rarely get them while in the midst of the grief. I know this metaphor is an oft repeated one, but it bears repetition. The events of our lives may be likened to tiny dots that are drawn at random on a sheet of paper. As we move on from event to event, these dots get connected in random order, making no sense to us at the point in time. But if we were to back at our lives at a later point in time, we would marvel at the design that has been created by the master designer using the very same dots.

A poignant question I was asked recently was – “Do I necessarily have to go through this pain? It’s too intense. What do I do to alleviate the pain?” What I have understood is this – Oftentimes we have to go through the pain to get to the other side. We can take as much pain as we want to, since we internally have all the resources required to deal with it.

Some of the best learning’s I’ve got on pain and grief have been from Dick McHugh. In his words, “The more you resist, the more it persists. The more you accept, the more it transforms.” No one can teach us or help us respond to pain. All it needs is our attention, an acknowledgement that it is there and the willingness to experience it fully. The path to liberation from the pain or grief goes through the act of experiencing it. Accept it and also be watchful, lest your mind takes the pain and converts it into suffering.

Also read my recent article on Dealing with Pain & Grief
http://rapportinrelationships.blogspot.in/2015/11/dealing-with-pain-grief.html

Thursday 15 March 2012

Becoming better listeners

When was the last time you listened to someone? Really listened? Truly listened to all that the other person said and more importantly, left unsaid? The sad part is that many of us believe ourselves to be good listeners, little realising that what we have heard may be just the tip of the iceberg and unaware of the whole submerged mountain of information that we have missed.

Do these listening patterns seem familiar to you: We listen and in the process of listening, constantly think of how to respond? So much so that we often cut in-between the other persons talk, just to have our say. I’m sure there are some of us who take pride in our multitasking abilities, the ability to listen in the midst of doing a zillion other activities. Are we even aware that we could have lost out on a whole lot of information in this process?

Why listen? Much has been said and written about the importance of listening – at work, in teams, with customers etc. It all boils down to one reason – it is to establish a relationship based on trust and respect, be it with anybody – child, parent, colleague, friend, partner. That being the aim, I ought to be most concerned, not at what I've listened to and caught on, but on what I could have missed out. Because my map of the world is different from yours. And it becomes essential for me to get an inkling of your map of the world to even start the process of trust and relationship building.

What would be of immense value to me as a listener would be to leave the self aside and focus my attention on what is being said. An aid to the process would be to have a blank white board in my mind, on which the other person’s words are written, in exactly the way that they are being said. And on that white board, I underline, what I think are important words, and repeat them back in exactly the same way, just so we both know that we are looking at the same map of the world. And while I fill in the white board with the words being spoken, the camera of my mind also clicks images of the nuances of expressions flitting across the person’s face.

And together, the words and the images come together to form a beautiful collage in my mind, which tell me a story - the story of the other persons experience and views. A story which I periodically check with the other person to see if I’ve got it right. And once the collage is ready, I look at it, take my understanding of it and then decide my response.

This process, if attempted, goes a long way to enable genuine listening among persons. A listening which is not done for the listener’s sake alone, but a listening which aims to establish trust & respect and through it, the foundation of a solid relationship.

Rapport in Relationships

Saturday 15 December 2012

Remembrances

Monday 3 December 2012

Life - an Illusion?

Wednesday 28 November 2012

Blessed are thy ways O Lord

Thursday 15 November 2012

An Ode to my Mother

Monday 29 October 2012

Rapport in death

Monday 1 October 2012

Embracing vulnerability to anticipatory grief, pain and loss

Sunday 29 July 2012

Communication in sales and customer service

Tuesday 17 July 2012

Elevator Sales Pitch – 10 tips to elevate your speech

Monday 16 July 2012

Emotional vulnerability equates courage

Friday 4 May 2012

Selling skills of a successful salesperson

Wednesday 2 May 2012

Relationships and shoe sizes

Monday 30 April 2012

Five Secrets to Confident Communication in Sales

Sunday 22 April 2012

Labelling relationships

Wednesday 4 April 2012

Saying 'No' to the customer

Sunday 18 March 2012

Dealing with Grief

Thursday 15 March 2012

Becoming better listeners

3650 days on

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