Dealing with Grief

The common perceptions of grief are the feelings which arise on the passing away of a loved one. I have spent the past two years reading many books on grief, death and dying. The most beautiful among them being ‘On Grief and Grieving’ by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross and David Kessler, which talks about the five stages of grieving – denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. 

Recently, when someone approached me for help to deal with the pain of separation, I realised that what this person is going through is also intense grief or bereavement, yet in another form. It set me thinking. Can the five stages of grieving be applied to grief in situations such as separation, a break-up or even simple plain unrequited love too? And the answer I got was –absolutely yes. Grief is to do with loss or perceived loss and is not limited to death alone.

In such situations, some common questions that arise are – Why me? What is in it for me? What did I do to warrant such pain? Much as we would want answers to these questions, the hard truth is that we rarely get them while in the midst of the grief. I know this metaphor is an oft repeated one, but it bears repetition. The events of our lives may be likened to tiny dots that are drawn at random on a sheet of paper. As we move on from event to event, these dots get connected in random order, making no sense to us at the point in time. But if we were to back at our lives at a later point in time, we would marvel at the design that has been created by the master designer using the very same dots.

A poignant question I was asked recently was – “Do I necessarily have to go through this pain? It’s too intense. What do I do to alleviate the pain?” What I have understood is this – Oftentimes we have to go through the pain to get to the other side. We can take as much pain as we want to, since we internally have all the resources required to deal with it. 

Some of the best learning’s I’ve got on pain and grief have been from Dick McHugh. In his words, “The more you resist, the more it persists. The more you accept, the more it transforms.”   No one can teach us or help us respond to pain. All it needs is our attention, an acknowledgement that it is there and the willingness to experience it fully.  The path to liberation from the pain or grief goes through the act of experiencing it. Accept it and also be watchful, lest your mind takes the pain and converts it into suffering.

Also read my recent article on Dealing with Pain & Grief 
http://rapportinrelationships.blogspot.in/2015/11/dealing-with-pain-grief.html