3650 days on

 It's been a decade gone by, difficult to believe

As I look back at memories of this time that year

I find compassion for that younger me floundering from loss

I wish I could just reach out and tell her, it’ll be ok.

 

I see her torn in two – wanting the end and yet hating the end

Wanting Mums presence and yet wanting her gone

Being selfish and yet struggling to be selfless in love

Weeping inwardly and yet struggling to be strong.

 

I wish I could have told her its fine to be both

Each has its place and a journey in time, to go with the flow

I wish I could tell her that her journey will make her strong

That the difficult act of ‘letting go’ will define her life hereon.

 

A decade ago, I see the younger me shattered

I wish I could have told her just how resilient she’ll become

That the best thing she ever did was to walk through her grief

That it would never be easy, but she’d get through day by day.

 

I see that younger me struggling to feel that Mum lives in her heart

I wish I could tell her that it’s not a feeling to be forced

Neither is it an image of Mum which fades from the mind   

But that Mum lives on through her every word and all that she does.

 

I see my younger self promising Mum that she’d take care of Dad

I see her praying that she’d be there for Dad’s end the way she wasn’t for Mum

And I see her wondering if she’ll ever be strong for that

I wish I could have told her, that she did both with strength, to believe.

 

A decade seems a lifetime at times

Of experiences and learnings through highs and lows

That everything has a time, a purpose, and all will be well.

I remember to hug and tell myself now with a tear in my eye

I did well then, I am well, I will be well.

       

       - Ann Joseph

  In loving memory of Mummy, the journey of a decade after writing “An ode to my mother”

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-   -  PS: This easter lily flower is from a plant given by Mummy. She loved her plants.