Musings on this 5th anniversary of mom's death...married couples have togetherness for a while, but one person will most likely live the final twilight years alone. Are we geared up for that emotionally? Is there separateness in togetherness or do we take spousal dependence as a must have, and give it pride of place?
Very recently, when my spouse took a two week solo vacation this month, I recognised his want of separateness and was very fine with it. I was however amazed at the many varied reactions from friends and family when he left... From genuine amazement -"why does he want to go solo on a vacation" , to scurrying insecurity - "what?!, I hope this doesn't give my husband ideas", to bafflement -"what fun is a vacation alone", to reasoning -"is it on work also, then fine"or "is he going trekking, then fine", to righteous indignation on my behalf -"didn't you also want to see this place, how could he not take you also", to subtle sensing with both of us to check if we were still together :). Innocent words when taken alone, but when coming multiple times from multiple people, threatened to swamp the lone individual, in this case, yours truly.
Till a point came, when the force of the outside voices threatened to overpower my inner conviction. And resulted in some knee jerk responses. Till I figured out that these are voices of societal expectations of marriage dependence. And boy, did it take some work to dissociate myself from these outside voices.
Now to all those voices which questioned my sanity to 'sanction or allow': Who am I to 'sanction' or allow'. Aren't we all adult individuals first and spouses second? Or is my identity immersed in spousal identity, or even parental identity? I've often wondered at this during conversations with women who express "we love each other so much that we cannot stay even one day without each other". Also when women known to me perpetuate spousal dependence by depending on the spouse for any 'outside work', be it banking, driving etc. I've also wondered about this, when men known to me are emotionally dependent on loved ones to the extent that they need the regular daily/ hourly contact by phone or text, when away. I've also wondered at this (and I am guilty of this at times) when we as parents hover, when our children are way past hand holding. What happens to my identity when I 'let go'? Am I strong enough to let go?
To those voices which questioned if I was happy with 'not being taken': Do I miss seeing the sights? Yes I most definitely do. The pictures are dissociate from the experience and and cannot be related to. His experiences are his. Do I have an overpowering need to go see the place - No, I don't. If the opportunity presents itself, maybe yes. Yes, I certainly wish to go on a solo trip myself, not with a group. For the experience, if nothing else. I've done enough solo trips on work - and I love the experience, but a solo vacation - that's something on my wish list. But am I driven to it given that my spouse has? No absolutely not.
If there is any unhappiness at all, its just that I was not around at home the entire time to savour the solitude :) Missed that. Work kept me traveling too. And left our son alone to experience the solitude for 5 days. And sensing his need for experience and drive for independence, I kept all contact nil. Only to be pleasantly surprised on my return - to a spic and span house, all dishes washed, clothes washed and hung to dry, breakfast cooked and eaten, kitchen sparkling clean (mind you - to a mom's exacting standards). All completed courtesy a 'To do list' - up on his white board. I'll forever treasure that pic of the notations on that board. Not shared that with anyone other than the spouse, as it'll be an intrusion into the son's privacy. All he needed was parental independence. And confidence of people he could turn to should there be any emergency.
Is our sense of self, 'independent of' or 'immersed in' spousal/ parental identity? Is there separateness in togetherness? Did this experience enable that? Hopefully yes. Time will tell. There are two journeys we make alone - the journey of birth and death. The presence of others, adds to the experience and joy in between. Little did I know that the Bible too alludes to this in Galations 6:2-5.
The question is how much do we as a society enable such separateness? The 'letting go' to enable a person and ourselves just 'be'. And in letting go, prepare ourselves for our twilight years.
Hats off to my Dad who's managed this beautifully - in his aging twilight years. As parents, they always let us be. We daughters were never expected to call and inform when we've traveled and reached our destination. I think this lifelong habit of 'letting go', prepared him for these times. Mom, I'll be forever grateful for this wonderful lesson. You made our lives easier for this.
