When the mind settles into itself

Last week, on an early morning flight, I struggled to find sleep. I closed my eyes, and what do I find? A cacophony of thoughts which refused to let me fly…to fly to the land of bliss. My mind knows that my body needs its rest before a full day’s work. I know the theory…close eyes…blank my mind…. but no, did not work. My thoughts and ideas were determined to have their dance. And through their dance, hold my mind hostage.
Hostage? Isn’t that too strong a word? Absolutely not. What else can I call it? When thoughts hold the mind in a tightening grip. Against its will? Surely not. Did I ever pause to listen to the mind? To allow the self to come to mind?
If I did, I would liken my mind to the incessant chatter of a monkey. After a point, I become unaware of little else. It becomes the norm.  The thoughts that flit through, the feelings and emotions. They become so much a part of me, that I tend to forget. To forget that I am not my thoughts. I am not my feelings. I am not my emotions…

March musings...

Period of my life: Teenage. Early adulthood Note to self: “This, I will do/definitely not do this with my kids… Yes, I’ll set right everything that my parents did wrong with me. Can’t go wrong. After all I’ve gone through it!” Saved in: No digitally enabled ‘To Do’ apps at the time. But saved in indelible ink in the deep recesses of my mind. Can’t forget. No, never. My attitude: Smug. “Just you wait and watch, Mum & Dad. I’ll show you how it’s done.”
Period of my life: Early parenthood. Early. Very early. Note to self: “Wow. This is great. Did such a being of adorable joy really spring from me? Awesomeness in a squiggly bundle.” Saved in: First hard disk of parenthood. My attitude: Bliss. Sheer bliss. With all the minor attendant problems. Minor. Really minor.
Period of my life: Young parenthood. Young. Maybe up to 10 years… Note to self: “Patience Ann. Patience…It’s a phase. You know the terrible 2’s. But nobody told me it extends to the 3’s, and the 4’s, 5’s….? Must be early onset of …

In communion with my Mother

A journey of four years since penning the Ode How did it pass, I know not now Seemed difficult and tears gushed at first A yawning chasm, seemed full of dust.
As dust to dust, yet at times you felt Like moonbeams that flit with reality A word, a thought, a tinkling laugh All enough to trigger a memory.
Time stands not still, the humdrum life goes on Taking in its flow, your memories Till points were reached, where I took a pause And wondered what your advice to me would be.
Hindsight is a wonderful thing, so they say In hindsight, I now delight in the wisdom you shared I know you listen, as I speak in my heart Things that I still share with you on many a day.
No words needed – a thought, a delight, a question answered All done - deep within the recesses of my heart Through cakes that bake, and cleanliness drives I know your spirit lives on in me.
Times stands not still, with the unseen hand I’m glad I went through the angst of grief ‘Tis moulded me as nothing else would Tears cloud…

At Times...

At times…all I want is to let go Let go of concerns and troubles that afflict Let go of relationships and ties that bind Let go…to the beyond, where the mind is free.
Free…of thoughts and desires and the reasoning to be Free…of pressures and the desire to be loved Free…of being free and to do nothing at will At times…all I want is to soar as a bird.
The bird soars up and perchance swoops down Perchance? Nay, tis perforce that swoops A morsel, a drop and a perch to settle on Birds eye view, pupillary skylight – can the two be twined?
A twining…two souls, light and darkness to be Across cosmic distance of years, quagmires maybe A fear of letting go, or is it of holding on too tight? Unravelling the twines, lest one becomes weak, the other strong.
An unravelled twine, a life to be lived Separate, together…whatever is willed Free to let go, and yet hold on to the essence Embracing changing patterns, the sky and the perch.
At times…all I want is to hold on Hold on to feelings, patterns o…

From Child to Parent – A challenging transition

At the start of writing this blog, I did a google search on this topic. And all Google came up with were search results on parenting guidelines. Did you think so too? Sigh… I happen to think that the transformation which happens as one becomes a parent is one among the easiest. Know why? You are sort of thrown into the arena of parenthood. Despite all your preparations. One minute you are an adult, the next minute you are a parent with this squirming bundle of humankind thrust into your arms. You learn to swim with this child who is suddenly dependent on you. 
Still wondering what this blog is about? Like maybe some of you reading this, I’ve transitioned from being a child to an adult, to being a parent of a young child, to being the parent of a ‘soon-to-be adult’ (aren’t they steps ahead of you from the word go??) quite smoothly, with life’s many odd hiccups along the way (what would life be without them, I know now in hindsight…). However, what hit me on the raw quite recently was…

Dealing with pain & grief

Over the past few days, some conversations with friends and also personal experiences have centered on the evolving experience of pain and grief. In fact, one of my earliest and most widely read blogs has been on 'Dealing with grief’. Grief in a way is an extension and expression of pain?
This is an attempt therefore, to delve a little deeper into the ‘perceptions’ of pain and grief. I say ‘perceptions’ as each of our experiences of pain and grief are relative reactions to our individual perceptions of the sense of loss, hurt, anger, injustice we are faced with.  It arises out of our ‘perceived’ helplessness, a quagmire of swirling emotions at worst. 

I’ve been fascinated the past few days on the evolution of ‘pain & grief’ into ‘peace & stillness’. How is it that for some events, deeply scarring though they may have been at the time, we find it easier to grieve and let go and find peace,  while for others…we think we’ve gone past the worst of it with time… only to have a th…

Hush...It's almost taboo

I recently underwent a 'hysterectomy' and the reactions I have received from people have been wide and varied. Some hilarious, yet thought provoking. Thought of sharing some.
Reaction type 1: Some ‘male’ acquaintances & friends who had no idea of my surgery, catch up with me on the ubiquitious messenger apps. Here’s how it goes:
Friends: Hi, How are you? Me: Could be better. Recovering from a surgery. Friends: Really? What happened? Me: Hysterectomy Friends:  ……. Silence……golden silence…..blissful silence Me: (thinking to myself) Wow, a way to shut men up !?!?! J
To be fair, even some women, young and old, have preferred the golden silence and kept mum. Had it been any other illness, they would have been first on the phone to enquire about my health. Reaction type 2: Now I come to the even more interesting reactions from some women, young and old. During a ‘face to face’ conversation:
Friend (young lady, mother of two toddlers): Hi, how are you? Me: Just recovering from a s…