Memories of & learnings from my Father

Late M J Thomas
Born: 1932      Died: 2021

In November 2012, I wrote a poem ('An Ode To My Mother') just before my mother passed away , a catharsis of sorts for me, which left my father very moved and touched. This year, in the weeks and days before my father died two weeks ago, I wanted to write something for him. Even got down to writing a stanza or two, but it went down the drain of the delete button. The timing did not feel right. Till now.  

Reflecting now on the experiences of both my parents’ deaths, I realise that the one did not automatically prepare me for the other. Both have been different circumstances totally. While both instances were difficult and draining on the caregivers, a major difference was that the world, as we knew it, had turned topsy turvy in the past year. Caring for a critically ill person at home during a pandemic was no mean task, given the difficulties of getting medical help and support. Add to that the sheer pandemic health related uncertainties of going out on a hospital visit - for both patient and caregiver.  Feelings of helplessness prevailed at times when the sheer number of parameters to be monitored for his overall comfort overwhelmed me. Each of these two experiences of the loss of a parent taught me that the feelings, experiences of each grief are unique. And to be open to experiencing them as they unfold, as each bring different learnings. 

But between the demises of my parents, one commonality remains. Death is certain, for everybody. Whatever the circumstances. Death is stark, definite, final. Others may be by our side, but the final journey is ours alone. The two most important journeys of life – being born and dying – are experienced alone. Aided by our personal faith. Our faith, hope and beliefs  define the facets of this intensely personal last journey. And my parents were prepared. Am I? Are we? As certain as death is, its timing is uncertain -to us. As my father's doctor told him, "While we all will die some day, some time, let us enjoy our lives in the meantime". 

As I was experiencing anticipatory grief, before my father’s death, I remember asking myself this question - With the grim visuals of lit funeral pyres, and newspaper statistics on young, unexpected covid related deaths spiralling in the country, do I have a right to grieve for my father? After all he has lived a relatively good life to the ripe old age of 88, in relatively good health. In fact, someone close to me did say something to this effect to me. I deliberated, talked to palliative care professionals and the answer came within me – Yes, I do. A loss is a loss and its ok to grieve. It is not dependent on age, circumstances, cause or the unexpectedness of death. Grief is intensely personal. It does not preclude or compare with another’s grief. And a parent is a parent, whatever one’s age. So, I gave myself permission to grieve. And in grieving, I empathised not only with my father but for also the numerous deaths that are happening around. In grieving even when he was alive (during the last few weeks of his life), I found that I could cherish every single moment I had with him. I strove to take snapshots in my memory and on video, of fleeting experiences that I would cherish. Every moment stretched and expanded in the personal timeline of my experience. I breathed in his being – his strength, beliefs, faith, perseverance, discipline and love.

In the very act of preparing myself to let go of him, I found myself becoming strong. Not for him, but for myself. Because I knew I wanted to be there with him in his last moments, the way I had heard he was there for my mother at her last. And I hope I was. Strong, composed and in the moment. Privileged to sit by his side and glimpse the journey he made to the heavenly world. That last slow breath as he gave up a life valiantly fought, is something I will remember to my end. I will remember not in grief, but in gratitude. Overwhelming gratitude for the life that was Dad’s. For being fortunate to have been his daughter.

As I continue to ponder the life that was my father, some key attributes some to mind. I write here of things left unsaid by me at his online memorial (M J Thomas - Memorial Service).

1.       Love – is a verb I associate with my father. Understated, yet persistent. When I was 15 years old, he told me – “I want you to remember me for my hugs and kisses”. And I do. He toned down his hugs as I grew older, but I sensed the love, nevertheless. It was there in every expression, action, and word. Not only to me. But to others. In connecting with others. And giving space when required. In letting others be. He was master of that. I cannot remember him hurting anyone with deliberate words or actions. Among his last words of advice to me was to “Love everyone". I had hoped he felt my love for him in his final few weeks and my heart was uplifted when he softly told me one day towards the end "You are marvellous. You are taking care of the house and of me very well.” To live my life in love – I hope I can reach at least a tenth of how he did. As a verb…doing…living it.

2.       He radiated calmness. Circumstances rarely flustered him. He never carried resentment to heart. He was ever forgiving – of himself and of others. One of his last words of advice to me was to accept everything that comes in life as if it comes from God and has something good for us. To me, a person who tends many a time to get flustered and flutter my wings when things get angsty, this is an attribute I strive to achieve. To be calm during the storm.  His deep abiding faith in God surely helped him. Not a ritualistic faith, but a deeper personal experience of divine love and guidance.

3.       Self Discipline defined his being. And contributed to his satisfaction. Discipline of finances, health, and lifestyle. He lived well within his means. He saved more and spent less. I think this is a characteristic of many people of his generation. He did the best he could, in every thing. He had the discipline of eating moderately and on time, sleeping and waking up on time, of exercising when required. But was willing to adjust when required. He also allowed me to be just the way I was. Ready to support whatever decision I took. His discipline led him to record important events in a diary. A gift of himself - for us to remember. He largely went by the clock. His last few hours were also spent watching the clock. His discipline made life for the caregiver so much easier. I could surely do with more discipline in my life in certain areas.

As the sun rises on the next phase of my life, living only with the spiritual presence of my parents in my heart, I realise that like grieving, remembrances are also deeply personal. Memories are what our experiences leave behind and they are ours, always. 

Let us create memories of sharing, caring and love. 

Memories remain when the soul is long gone. They live on in our hearts.

They are enough. As we are. Let's be kind and patient to ourselves.

P.S. I can now say to him in my heart: "Daddy, you have always insisted that I print out my key blogposts for you to read and appreciate. You loved recording events. This one is for you. With much love from a daughter to her loving father. Till we meet again. I hope you enjoy reading this from above. ". 

Remembering a couple of hymns he loved so much...

Embracing vulnerability to anticipatory grief, pain and loss

 I read recently that there are oftentimes ‘peaks and valleys’ in the life of a terminally ill person. Corresponding with them are emotional ‘peaks and valleys’ in the lives of the caregivers, and I say this from my personal experience of the last few years and more profoundly, the last few weeks and days. The 'valleys' corresponded of late, in my case, to the periods of intense anticipatory grief and loss. Periods in which I thought I would crumble under the sheer agony of anticipatory grief. Hence this attempt to reach out to all those who might have had or be having similar experiences.

Rev Richard Rohr says that we need to become vulnerable to pain and that accompanying a loved person on the last few months, weeks and days of life’s journey is a profound experience – one which has the potential to change our lives, should we be open enough to allow that change to happen. I couldn’t agree more.

How do we deal with this concept called ‘anticipatory grief’, which is experienced by some, not all; and that too with varying degrees of intensity? Well it has been an extremely tough journey for me and it would have continued to be so were it not for certain things I did and experienced, small variations of what is called Visual –Kinesthetic -Dissociation in NLP.

1. Identify the crux of the grief. In peace and quiet, I asked my innermost self, my unconscious – ‘what is it that I am really grieving for?’ Keep asking till you hit the root. And the answer in my case was twofold: a) The grief of confronting and dealing with the actual death of the loved one, and b) the grief of loss – dealing with the emptiness that would ensue.

2. Keeping your eyes closed, form a mental image in fantasy, of what you are grieving for (in my case, I had to do it twice – one for each of the above). Take note of the people in it, the colours; frame it like a picture and keep it straight ahead and as far away from you as you desire. You do not have to force yourself to look at the picture if it causes you grief – just take quick nanosecond snapshots of the image and open your eyes in between those shots. Do this till you feel comfortable with looking at the frame at the distance it is kept. Bring it progressively closer and repeat the process.

3. Become aware of the emotions and subtle nuances in the picture. Stay with them; check what it does to you. If you were to become a bird and fly above and as close to the picture frame as possible, maybe even through the picture, become aware of how would it feel as you do so. Also become aware of the type of bird you have become. Get a feel of the changes in feelings and emotions as you bring the picture frame of the image as close to you as is comfortable.       

4. Take a moment to consider what additional resources you would like that future self of you dealing with/ in that picture, to have. What in your opinion would be the additional abilities and strengths that you would like yourself to have in the future when actually dealing with the situation in reality?

5. Identify those resources and give it to that future self in your framed picture. See how that transforms or changes the image. Check how that feels within. Does it feel fine, comfortable, peaceful? Take heed of any objections that your unconscious might raise and ask for its positive intention.  If ok, take a moment to feel those resources within you in the present. Become aware of how they change your emotions and feelings. Feel the movement of energy with you, the future being part of the present in you. And when you are comfortable with the experience, open your eyes.

Becoming vulnerable to experience pain throws open windows of awareness - awareness of self and others. Experiencing and becoming aware of learning’s from anticipatory grief and loss opens up deep pools of strength within, if we but learn to draw succour from them.