Dealing with pain & grief

Over the past few days, some conversations with friends and also personal experiences have centered on the evolving experience of pain and grief. In fact, one of my earliest and most widely read blogs has been on 'Dealing with grief’. Grief in a way is an extension and expression of pain?

This is an attempt therefore, to delve a little deeper into the ‘perceptions’ of pain and grief. I say ‘perceptions’ as each of our experiences of pain and grief are relative reactions to our individual perceptions of the sense of loss, hurt, anger, injustice we are faced with.  It arises out of our ‘perceived’ helplessness, a quagmire of swirling emotions at worst. 

I’ve been fascinated the past few days on the evolution of ‘pain & grief’ into ‘peace & stillness’. How is it that for some events, deeply scarring though they may have been at the time, we find it easier to grieve and let go and find peace,  while for others…we think we’ve gone past the worst of it with time… only to have a thought, a person, a song, a word, a smell, a touch trigger the tsunami feeling of rawness, hitched breath, a choked throat, a fist around the heart, heightened heartbeat, tremors in the hands…all over again. Maybe in a different manner and with different intensity, but present nevertheless.

What stops us from letting go of pain ‘painlessly’ at times?

I revisited a TED talk I’ve been greatly influenced by, and here’s what I learnt this time.  Our reactions to perceptions of hurt, loss, anger, injustice are dependent on our perceptions of self. “A feeling of self-worthiness stems from (a) Having the Courage to be imperfect, (b) having Compassion - first to myself and then to others and (c) having Connections as a result of authenticity. In order for connections to happen, we have to allow ourselves to be seen…really seen…and be vulnerable" - Brene Brown.

A few questions to ponder:

1. Do I allow myself to be seen to as imperfect even as I pass through the ravine of hurt and loss? Or do I gloss over and cover the cracks caused by hurt/ loss so that I project a façade of coping well?
2. Am I compassionate enough to myself first and give myself leeway to feel the intensity of pain even if others don’t? Or do I ignore myself while extending myself to others in their pain? How can I be compassionate to others if I’m not compassionate to myself?  
3. Am I content to open up only my shallow self, the surface of me…to others? Or am I willing to be vulnerable enough to expose the depths of my emotions, my insecurities & my pain in a frank manner, while being compassionate to myself and others?
4. Am I content with making connections with people based on what I wish to project/what is expected of me and therefore say or do things accordingly? Or am I willing to experience the risk of uncertainty in establishing connections by allowing my deeper self, ‘the real me’, to emerge – finding expression for my deeper fears & cares - uncertain though they may be?

This journey is very person dependent and no two experiences are the same. Immersing ourselves in genuine feelings, expressions and connections and also knowing when to let go enables us in our journey forward through and past our pain & grief. There is a saying that it takes a devastation to experience and know love. So also it takes the immersive experience of pain and grief to become compassionate and stronger for it. What emerges is love. 

Hush...It's almost taboo

I recently underwent a 'hysterectomy' and the reactions I have received from people have been wide and varied. Some hilarious, yet thought provoking. Thought of sharing some.

Reaction type 1: Some ‘male’ acquaintances & friends who had no idea of my surgery, catch up with me on the ubiquitious messenger apps. Here’s how it goes:

Friends: Hi, How are you?

Me: Could be better. Recovering from a surgery.

Friends: Really? What happened?

Me: Hysterectomy

Friends:  ……. Silence……golden silence…..blissful silence

Me: (thinking to myself) Wow, a way to shut men up !?!?! J

To be fair, even some women, young and old, have preferred the golden silence and kept mum. Had it been any other illness, they would have been first on the phone to enquire about my health.

  

Reaction type 2: Now I come to the even more interesting reactions from some women, young and old. During a ‘face to face’ conversation:

Friend (young lady, mother of two toddlers): Hi, how are you?

Me: Just recovering from a surgery

Friend: What surgery?

Me: Hysterectomy

Friend’s MIL: What’s that?

Me: Removal of the uterus

Friend’s MIL: Oh! I had mine removed five years ago.

Me: (thinking…) Wow…really…and you never heard this term before…benefit of doubt given… 60+ year old lady after all…J

Friend’s FIL (in an aside to my husband) : Oh, my wife went through something like this some years ago. I don’t know the details.

Friend (in soft undertone): Btw, Will you still get your monthly cycles now?

Me: (Aghast at question & thinking...) ?!?*** What were you doing in Bio class in the X standard??!! How can you be so ignorant as to even ask this question? You are a mother of two, don’t you even know how the female body works??!! Did you have an immaculate conception and childbirth??

To some who may think that this ‘happens only in India’, imagine my shock when a 60+ lady residing in a ‘developed’ nation and a former teacher of zoology, asked me the precise same question. Beats me as to how some women can get to be mothers, grandmothers and be as clueless about something as basic as this.

Reaction type 3: Conversations with ‘know-all’ non medico women who may have had the basic experience of a C- section childbirth/ know others who have had such surgeries.

Friend: Hi, what happened? (On seeing me do my daily exercise comprising of a  ‘s...l….o….w’ walk around the block, or on getting to know through some other means)

Me: Just had a hysterectomy

Friend: You should be flat on your back for 3 months. No lifting, no walking, no climbing ……..the list is endless.

Me: (thinking…) here come the instructions again. What makes women such experts on another’s surgery?   

Friend: My mother had this surgery…

Me: (thinking).. So did mine…4 decades ago….I should hope that technology in medicine did advance at least a teeny weeny bit the last decade or so, so as to enable women get back to normal activities faster. Some doctors do implement newer techniques which enable faster recovery.

Friend: Your decision if you walk about, you’ll face the consequences many years down the line  

Me: Sure I will J

Reaction type 4:  Hats off to all those men and women who redefine my faith in humanity. Who meet the answer head-on, do not shrink at asking how I am, ask about the procedure, listening to the details and wish me a speedy recovery.

My reflections: Are young men, middle aged men, old men so tongue tied when faced with such ‘female oriented’ information that they sweep it under the carpet? Hey, I do not expect a detailed discussion on the intricacies of the surgical procedure. I leave that to the doctors. A simple empathetic “Get well soon” would have sufficed. Are we women partly to blame, for hushing up such information, almost as if they are taboo?? How may we enable the next generation of young men to not freak out when confronted with such information?

What can I say about women. I feel ashamed at the lack of knowledge we seem to have in matters relating to our own bodies. Blissful ignorance! Get out, talk. Get information, Get empowered. 

Does our society consider such a surgery to be the loss of a woman’s ‘identity’? I’d heard a similar view being expressed by a gentleman on mastectomy necessitated by cancer. Hence maybe, the hesitation to even acknowledge or discuss such surgeries.  Hey, a woman’s identity is determined by who she is, the person she is, not by what reproductive organs she has or hasn’t. Till this basic perception of the ‘self’ identity is addressed, we will continue to blunder our way through such situations. What say you?

At Times...

Sometimes, it takes a so called ‘setback’ to experience divine mercies

Sometimes, it’s scary to let go, to lie back and just trust

Sometimes, the gremlins of the unknown played havoc with my mind

Sometimes, it takes a frailty, to experience a greater strength within me.

At times, in the dark of the night, when I woke up in sweat & pain

At times unable to sleep, I kept watch on the dawning morn

At times, the temptation to give in to pain and rant was strong

At times such as these, it was Grace which upheld & soothed my mane.

Sometimes it’s in the knowing, that the only way ‘out’ is ‘through’

Sometimes all it takes is to close my eyes and ride the waves

Sometimes it takes concerted effort to not to panic in the caves

Sometimes, it’s in the act of surrender that faith & hope shine through.

It’s at times such as these, when I know I’m not alone

It’s at times when I’m rudderless that I feel the unseen oar

It’s at times when in pain, I sense beyond the pain

It’s at times such as these, that love holds me tight within.

It’s through times as these, that I reflect on the dawning light

It’s through times as these, that deep abiding trust holds me up

It’s a time to rejoice in mercies, big and small

It’s a time to experience that the burden is light.

A time… a moment…a concept of pain

All imaginations of the mind, brought to rein

In the act of letting go, finding flight

Going beyond the boundaries of what the mind defines.  

-         -   Ann Joseph