The dance of truth

As butterflies we go from flower to flower

Searching for nectar, from sunlight to bower

A searing presence, few moments at a time

Fleeting in intensity, reflective of its time.

What do I do? Asks the deep from within

What do I say? Ask the words therein

Do I allow the words to fly free

Forming sentences that would surely be me?

Do I instead rein them in?

Holding the patterns of thoughts within?

What would happen if the rails were set free?

Would it let loose a different me?   

What is it that sets the barrier line

From expressing who I really am?

A fear of loss, maybe perceived slight

A fear of rejection, all located in the mind.  

Vulnerability, that’s what I aim to hide

Covered in words & actions aimed right.

Little realizing that in doing so

I bury myself in images that mow.

Till I wake up & fling the covering layers

Taking courage in my hands, a self that dares

To be who I am, to say what I feel

Being truthful within, compassionately healed.

The dance of truth, flitting from bower to bow

Let loose on its flight & homing in low

Finding its restful place, completeness within

A kindred soul, met on the journey therein.

-              Ann Joseph

List of poems penned:
Blessed are thy ways oh Lord http://rapportinrelationships.blogspot.in/2012/11/blessed-are-thy-ways-o-lord.html
Life - an Illusion http://rapportinrelationships.blogspot.in/2012/12/life-illusion.html
An Ode to my mother - http://rapportinrelationships.blogspot.in/2012/11/an-ode-to-my-mother.html
Remembrances http://rapportinrelationships.blogspot.in/2012/12/remembrances.html
Aloneness http://rapportinrelationships.blogspot.in/2013/10/aloneness.html

http://rapportinrelationships.blogspot.in/2014/11/moments.html

http://rapportinrelationships.blogspot.in/2014/11/when-love-finds-self.html
http://rapportinrelationships.blogspot.in/2014/12/what-is-love.html
http://rapportinrelationships.blogspot.in/2014/11/the-dance-of-truth.html

A year of getting to know…myself

A new beginning, a new year… maybe new resolutions for many…and for some like me, a time of reflection into the events of the past year. 2012 has been a memorable year - for me and several others known to me; the reasons being many and varied for each person. As I ponder over what exactly set this year apart from the others, many events come to mind. Weddings, funerals, special anniversaries, births, professional strides, new hobbies…then I realise that these are just events. As I ponder deeper within, I realise that all these events represent surface points of a deeper process at work within me – it’s been a year of getting to know more about myself. A year of peeling off more surface skin to get to the essence of I, me, myself.

With more than half my life over (I guess…), you would imagine that I would know myself…no hidden secrets. Well, life had a way of throwing me for a loop this past year, and in hindsight it’s been a beautiful personal journey of rediscovering myself. Let me share with you, a few things that I got to know about myself, which might just about trigger thought processes in you.

1. Realising hidden talents - The year started out with a brand new avatar of me taking shape – in written form. My blog was up and running end January. It’s been a marvellous year of penning my thoughts to paper – something I had never done before in my life. And from the sheer number of pageviews my blog gets from across the world (i.e. for a regular, normal person like me) – over 4000 pageviews in 11 months(and no, it does not count my viewing), courtesy I think of some SEO that I may have unknowingly cracked in Google search engine – I realise that maybe, just maybe, I have tapped into some hidden potential of spewing written words in prose and poetry…in a manner that reaches out to people.

My learning: Listen to my inner voice and do/write what it prompts you to. It’s never too late in life to start developing a new talent.

2. Deep treasures of emotional  strength - It took a comment made by a cousin to trigger a reflection into my next learning of myself. It’s been a tough roller coaster ride emotionally and physically the past year – taking care of my terminally ill mother and then reconciling to her death. From comments made, I understand that to the outside world – friends, family - my behaviour through it all represented strength and resilience during a tough period. When I now look back – I don’t know how I went through it all. Taking time to meditate and be with myself, I tapped into hidden nuggets of deep set resources which enabled me to be strong during this period. 

My learning: There are hidden resources within each of us to deal with every one of life’s challenges. We are never thrown into life’s deep end without essential life support.

3. Being comfortable with my vulnerability – When I put up “An ode to my mother” on Facebook, it received much appreciation. Some expressed that it required great strength to put my emotions on display. Now on reflection, I realise that it was possible because I am now comfortable with my vulnerabilities.

My learning: True strength lies in acknowledging the power of ‘perceived’ vulnerabilities.      

4. Sensing answers from within not without – One of the most profound learnings of the year has been the internal sourcing of answers to life’s queries. Instead of a habituated externalisation of thoughts and queries, I started new habits of sensing solutions to perceived problems from within, from my unconscious. The results have been mind boggling, the choices that open up - amazing. Internal integrations of emotions and feelings resulting from a sense of deep spiritualisation from within.

My learning: We have all the answers within us, if we care to search within. Internal integrations thus attained, lead to a sense of grounded well-being. 'Habits we put in practice end up shaping the people we are within' - David Brooks.

5. An ability to reach out and touch others in their pain – This has been a year of another firsts. Friends, family reaching out to me for support and help. Recommendations from friends enabling strangers to approach me with their problems.

My learning: Knowing myself enables me to guide others on the path to know themselves – somehow it benefits them. Reaching out and giving to others of oneself gives a personal sense of satisfaction deep within. 

6. Being part of a divine plan and purpose – Above all, every event of the last year brought home the fact that there is a divine plan and purpose for everything. Everything happens at the right time for the right purpose with the right person, though I may know of it in hindsight.

My learning: There is a divine alignment of every event of my life with a divine purpose and plan. Everything happens for the best, though we know not how.

Wishing everyone a year of happy rediscovery of themselves, leading to an integrated sense of well- being and a greater rapport with the self.    

Emotional vulnerability equates courage

Vulnerability equates courage? For many this is very difficult to comprehend. How can putting myself out there in the open - susceptible to emotional hurt - be a moment of courage for me? My thoughts, words and actions all naturally work towards ensuring that my vulnerabilities are least exposed. So I posture such that I am perceived to be someone with no chinks in my emotional set-up. It’s a defence mechanism which for many, come as natural as breathing.

In fact, many of us would equate emotional vulnerability with weakness. I would not like to put myself open to ridicule, pain and hurt. When I expose my vulnerability, what would others think of me? I would rather go without than open myself to scrutiny. Little do I realise however, that covering up or posturing, just feeds the feeling of vulnerability. And then the next time I feel vulnerable, it manifests itself even more within me. And so begins the vicious cycle, with little room for escape.

Yet there is hope for escape - By opening up and acknowledging my vulnerability. When I allow myself to reach out and confess, first of all to myself, that I am only human. When I decide to take that first baby step and test the ground, not knowing if my legs will support me or not; when I decide to take a chance & open out the window of my emotional framework to others- even if it is just a crack; that is when I take a chance on leaving myself open and vulnerable. This is an act of the greatest courage. Often what we perceive as a weakness, is truly courage and strength of the highest order. Just as a bean bag is often perceived to lack strength – it however provides an inner support in any which way.

It takes great courage to lay ones heart on the line in a relationship; it takes immense guts for a leader to admit that he/she too could make mistakes; it takes immense strength for a parent to be able to admit to a child that he/she may not be perfect and know everything. All it requires is a willingness to let go – to let go of self and allow myself to become vulnerable. In letting go, I realise that I drift into nothingness. And in that nothingness, lie my greatest strengths – for there is nothing to prove, nothing to protect myself from.

Does this willingness to be vulnerable come naturally? Not to me and to a million others like me.  It's a decision we take day after day after day. And with each iteration, it becomes just that little bit easier to open that window a wee bit more...to experience that strength, power and courage that comes with vulnerability.