Embracing vulnerability to anticipatory grief, pain and loss

 I read recently that there are oftentimes ‘peaks and valleys’ in the life of a terminally ill person. Corresponding with them are emotional ‘peaks and valleys’ in the lives of the caregivers, and I say this from my personal experience of the last few years and more profoundly, the last few weeks and days. The 'valleys' corresponded of late, in my case, to the periods of intense anticipatory grief and loss. Periods in which I thought I would crumble under the sheer agony of anticipatory grief. Hence this attempt to reach out to all those who might have had or be having similar experiences.

Rev Richard Rohr says that we need to become vulnerable to pain and that accompanying a loved person on the last few months, weeks and days of life’s journey is a profound experience – one which has the potential to change our lives, should we be open enough to allow that change to happen. I couldn’t agree more.

How do we deal with this concept called ‘anticipatory grief’, which is experienced by some, not all; and that too with varying degrees of intensity? Well it has been an extremely tough journey for me and it would have continued to be so were it not for certain things I did and experienced, small variations of what is called Visual –Kinesthetic -Dissociation in NLP.

1. Identify the crux of the grief. In peace and quiet, I asked my innermost self, my unconscious – ‘what is it that I am really grieving for?’ Keep asking till you hit the root. And the answer in my case was twofold: a) The grief of confronting and dealing with the actual death of the loved one, and b) the grief of loss – dealing with the emptiness that would ensue.

2. Keeping your eyes closed, form a mental image in fantasy, of what you are grieving for (in my case, I had to do it twice – one for each of the above). Take note of the people in it, the colours; frame it like a picture and keep it straight ahead and as far away from you as you desire. You do not have to force yourself to look at the picture if it causes you grief – just take quick nanosecond snapshots of the image and open your eyes in between those shots. Do this till you feel comfortable with looking at the frame at the distance it is kept. Bring it progressively closer and repeat the process.

3. Become aware of the emotions and subtle nuances in the picture. Stay with them; check what it does to you. If you were to become a bird and fly above and as close to the picture frame as possible, maybe even through the picture, become aware of how would it feel as you do so. Also become aware of the type of bird you have become. Get a feel of the changes in feelings and emotions as you bring the picture frame of the image as close to you as is comfortable.       

4. Take a moment to consider what additional resources you would like that future self of you dealing with/ in that picture, to have. What in your opinion would be the additional abilities and strengths that you would like yourself to have in the future when actually dealing with the situation in reality?

5. Identify those resources and give it to that future self in your framed picture. See how that transforms or changes the image. Check how that feels within. Does it feel fine, comfortable, peaceful? Take heed of any objections that your unconscious might raise and ask for its positive intention.  If ok, take a moment to feel those resources within you in the present. Become aware of how they change your emotions and feelings. Feel the movement of energy with you, the future being part of the present in you. And when you are comfortable with the experience, open your eyes.

Becoming vulnerable to experience pain throws open windows of awareness - awareness of self and others. Experiencing and becoming aware of learning’s from anticipatory grief and loss opens up deep pools of strength within, if we but learn to draw succour from them.

Take charge of your communication

In the world of quick fixes and quick solutions the emphasis is on ‘Quick’. Quick service restaurants, quick pizzas, quick burgers, quick shopping, quick banking, quick marriages and even quicker divorces…you name it, we have it. It’s a case of the survival of the ‘quickest’. To keep pace with this quickness in everything around us, communication has also become quicker - snail mail to email, encyclopaedia to Wikipedia.

In our quest for quicker communication we are often faced with a gap between the intention of our communication and its actual impact. I call it the ‘Intent - Impact Gap’. When this gap is large, we take immediate cognizance of it. When this gap is relatively small, it tends to get overlooked. Its worthwhile taking cognizance of the fact that repeated such iterations of the 'gap' leave us susceptible to the common maladies of ‘excusitis’ and ‘blame-itis’. How many times have we made excuses or passed on blame to others when someone did not listen to us, or did not do what we asked them to do, or was not influenced by our viewpoint? I guess there are too many to count. 

In this age of quick communications, It becomes all the more imperative that communication be successful. When would it be considered successful? Is it when there is no intent-impact gap? I would say yes. Is it possible? It is, when we take charge of our own communication and become aware that the actual meaning of our communication lies in the result we get from that communication. And that these results are obtained through what we say, do or even leave unsaid.

Which brings us to the next question - how do I take charge of my communication?

Very simple, if we become aware of and understand the FIVE PRINCIPLES for every successful communication:

1. Know what you want to achieve through your communication. Be very clear of the outcome. Know in your mind what you will see, what you will hear or what you will feel when you achieve that outcome.

2. Develop the sensory sharpness to know when you have achieved your outcome. Not all communications are straight and bold. Very often in subtle interactions, we fail to understand whether we have achieved our communication outcome or not. Pay heed to the subtle nuances of physiology, voice tonality and words in interactions. These serve as guideposts for communication.

3. Believe that you will achieve the outcome. The person jumping across a ravine believes in and has confidence in himself. Similarly, in all communications we must operate from a position of confidence in our own excellence.

4. Take action.  Do whatever is required to bring that outcome to fruition. Nothing is gained by vacillation.

5. Be flexible enough to change your own behaviour in order to get the outcome you want. Loop through the 'double C' formula of ‘Change behaviour - Check outcome'  iteratively till the desired outcome is achieved.’ Let it become your mantra in life. 

Remember: 

The person with the most flexibility in behaviour is the one in charge of the communication. 

The more flexibility we show in our communication, the greater is the control we wield over the interaction. Which leads to greater reduction of 'intent - impact' gaps.  Which in turn leads to greater   achievements of communication outcomes.    

For further readings on communication, read my blog Communication Patterns.

Note - Much of this blog is based on the NLP model of communication.

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Selling with a Difference

Think back to the last purchase you made. Whatever it may be – major, minor or any of the other chords in-between. Recollect your experience – the sights, the sounds, the feelings... 

Now, if you were to answer a poll on "When you buy a product/service, does the seller largely sell it to you in the manner that you want to be sold to," then the odds are that your answer would fall in the greater percentile of respondents that said ‘No’. (You may also answer the poll given alongside)

Anything new in that? Absolutely nothing. Have you ever paused to consider the reasons why this happens? And let’s move deeper from the general, universally accepted conjecture that we are all different from each other. Consider your past buying experiences...

Have you ever felt like buzzing the salesperson whose sole focus was on showing you the beautiful brochures, catalogues, cuts, colours, patterns, graphs, charts, giving you test rides, making you feel the product…when all you wanted was for him to talk and explain to you about the product/service? Does that sound familiar to you?

Or have you ever felt like running from the scene when cornered by the talkative salesman…when all you wanted was simply to experience the product/service, maybe try it? Does that feel familiar to you?? 

Have you ever seen yourself pulled and coerced into trying the product/service or listening to endless spiels on the benefits…when all you wanted was to see the choices, the colours, the styles, the looks, the catalogue? Does that look a lot familiar to you???

These are just but examples of the nuances involved when buying and selling. Nuances based on patterns of our choices. Which aspect of the product/service appeals to me predominantly – the look of it, the sound of it or the feel of it?

When the salesperson first strives to understand and become aware of the predominant buying patterns of the buyer, then sells the product/service in that very same pattern, that's when selling happens with a difference. 

The difference being the unconscious rapport that is generated, paving the way for long term relationships. 

For further readings on selling, go to my posts:

Five secrets to confident communication in sales

Saying No to the customer

Service in 'Customer Focus' while selling

Rapport in selling 

Communication Patterns

At some point of time or other, haven’t we all experienced a sense of frustration when all that we say or do holds absolutely no sway or influence over another? 

Forms the pattern of our lives, some may say. That is so very true. We get so entrenched and comfortable in our own patterns of thinking and communicating that we begin to expect others to fall in line with our specific patterns of thoughts and communication.  When we have this expectation of others, we certainly set ourselves up for uncertainty in wielding influence over those we wish to influence. What may be done to ensure that what others perceive is precisely what we intended to communicate, so as to ensure greater circles of influence? Well, first of all, we can hone awareness of our own patterns of communication.

Consider how we perceive our surroundings. 

Let’s for a moment, imagine taking a walk in a beautiful butterfly garden... Imagine the multitude of vibrant, colourful butterflies flitting around from flower to flower. Sun-kissed flowers in every colour imaginable set against the brilliant green foliage.  Butterflies of varying sizes, shapes and species. Listen to the sound of the wind gently blowing and the rustling of the leaves and flowers as they sway from side to side. Pay attention to the sounds of the bumble bees and the butterflies as they communicate with each other, each in their special coded language. Feel the weight of the butterfly as it lands on a delicate flower, and sucks the ambrosia of the flower. It’s lightness as it appears to float away on the gentle breeze carrying with it the dusting of pollen on its body.

What draws you into and enthralls you in this gentle wonderland as you take this walk? Is it the beauty that beholds the eye, the sweet whispers of sounds, or even the all-pervasive feeling of beauty, gentleness and lightness of movement?  In other words, is it the sights, the sounds or the feelings that make your experience all the more fulfilling for it?

Take a moment to reflect and ponder its significance. For in that reflection lies the understanding of your predominant and preferred pattern of communication.  A pattern of communication, which may find varying degrees of reflection and sameness in the patterns exhibited by others. Our ability to influence through communication depends on the degree of sameness in preferred patterns of communication between us and those whom we seek to influence.

The answer to ensuring greater influence in communication, my friend, lies in the degree of flexibility we exhibit in our own communication patterns in order to attain a greater degree of sameness with the patterns preferred by others. 

Greater flexibility to adapt to different patterns of communication enables greater overlapping and confluence, which in turn leads to wider circles of influence.  

For further readings on communication, read my next blog Take charge of your communication.

Rapport in Selling

What keeps the so called ‘super’ salesperson apart from the others? Many factors.  Primary among them would be the uncanny ability to establish a sense of connectedness with the customer. For many a ‘super’ salesperson, the ability to establish this sense of connection appears, at first glance, to be almost inborn. Maybe it is. Or maybe it is a behaviour modelled from others, or even a skill that has been honed in by years of practice and perfection that it now appears almost ethereal.

This sense of connection with customers goes beyond the superficial, to a depth of understanding that defies all logic at times. For the customer and salesperson could be poles apart in personality, likes and lifestyle. Gone are the days when one could walk into a client’s room, comment on the knickknacks and décor of the room, and hope to establish a connection with him. In this age of super computers and smart phones, can customers be lagging behind? We nowadays have ‘super’ customers and ‘smart’ customers, who have been programmed to sniff out the artificial bonhomie and become vary of ‘salespersons’ as a tribe. 

So is this almost magical connection that ‘super’ salespersons appear to have with customers, a gift for the chosen few? If this magic is understood and given sufficient practice, can it be imbibed as a behaviour pattern by all? Most fervently, the latter.

The magic lies in the ability to become aware. Become aware of patterns. Life is a dynamic pattern of intricate designs. Think about it. There is a pattern in everything we do. The way we sleep, talk, dress, relate to people, make decisions and even buy things. This pattern gives beauty, meaning and a sense of purpose to our lives. We oftentimes get the feeling of being lost and adrift on an island, if we lose the thread of this beautiful pattern. These patterns very often define our sense of being. And the beauty is that each of us has our very own unique structure of patterns. These appear so simple to us that they have become an integral way of our lives. While to those who observe us, it might seem to be a complex maze which apparently leads nowhere. But even a maze has a way out. Provided we pay attention and become aware of the patterns in it.

Consider this. What would it mean if a salesperson sensed to some degree, the customer’s unique pattern of thought, behaviour and choices? And what would he get if he had that? A map to understand the customer’s pattern of being, living, decision making and buying.  With the added benefit of having the almost magical skill to relate with the customer in the pattern that he is comfortable with, and the mystical, yet simplistic ability to sell to him in the pattern that he buys. Is it possible? A resounding yes. What does it call for? 
A greater sense of awareness of patterns, within ourselves and others, which in turn leads to greater rapport in selling.

For further readings on selling, go to my posts on:

Five secrets to confident communication in sales
Saying No to the customer
Service in 'Customer Focus' while selling
Selling with a difference