The spectrum of our relationships

Thought provoking question: Do we limit our capacity to love?

If yes, lets ask ourselves how we do so. Someone recently told me this: "Ann, have you ever considered how you can love people of who are of diametrically opposite personalities? These individuals are at the ends of a spectrum. And in between lie all the other people that you touch with your life - different people at different times in different ways, . You give of yourself to so many people - in umpteen ways, in as many times. You have so much love in you to give." This observation astounded and humbled me. I had never thought of love as a continuum.

Are we guilty of neatly labeling relationships and slotting them into appropriate boxes? To be opened and closed as and when required? What does a relationship mean to us?
Look at the babies. Relationships are quite simple really for them. They freely give unconditional love. When does this metamorphose into a learned behaviour of giving when something is given in return? Giving and always expecting something in return.

We love, and expect to be loved in return. And if we don't receive what we expect, we neatly label the box and file it away for posterity. Little realising that in doing so, we are also slotting a part of ourselves away. That we become less 'whole' in the process. In the process, relationships become a barter of sorts. Where is the giving of self in such a case?

Dr Richard McHugh once said that love is decision to give all of oneself, willingly, no expectations. Its a choice one makes.  When we enter into relationships with people, be they parents, friends, children, spouses, lovers, colleagues & others - with expectations of what we will receive, where is the giving? Aren't we then guilty of choosing how much of ourselves we share?

The metaphor that comes to mind is the notes of music. The music is our life. The notes the relationships we have in this life. Each note is distinct, no two are alike. Each has a different life span. Some are played gently, some strongly; some long, others short. Some notes are played over and over again. There are pauses between these relationship notes. Every one note is whole in itself, but limited. When played individually, they stand apart with no connection. Play it in continuum, and the beautiful song of love emerges. A place for every note, in the song of our lives.  Let's walk this beautiful journey of life, learning to touch lives by giving of ourselves in relationships with love....

Seasons greetings to all!    

Perceptions of relationships

What would be your answer if somebody were to ask you – how is the quality of your relationship with people who matter to you? I’m sure there would be a gamut of adjectives and phrases to describe the relationships that matter to us - particularly in relation to our parents. 

It never ceases to amaze me how we sometimes hold our parents responsible for practically all of our problems.  We go through most of our life holding on to grievances, unhappiness and so called ‘negative’ feelings, little realising how they affect present relationships in subtle ways.

How many of us have ever paused to consider that maybe the relationship or other person in the relationship is not at fault – maybe it’s just our perception? And once we re-wire our perception, the relationship changes. The past events then no longer have a hold on us the way they have been.

Have you ever tried to understand feelings from the other’s perceptual position? I urge you to try it out.  Remember the relationship or event that you feel most affects you. Consider the significant persons in that relationship/event. Step into the perceptual position of the other person(s) and re-look at the situation from their point of view. Start a dialogue if required, to better understand the positive intention behind their actions and behaviour. Does that enable you to understand their behaviour/ response patterns better? Does that change your perception of the event? Does it in any way change the feelings you have developed towards the other person? If done with genuine intent, you will experience a sea change of changing perceptions.

Changing our perceptions will enable us realise that we choose to understand, perceive and experience situations and interactions with others in a way that makes sense to us at the time. It’s not necessarily what the other person felt or intended to communicate. When we re-wire those perceptions, we feel a sense of liberation from past held limiting beliefs.  And we begin to understand that it was not the person and/or relationships that were are ‘fault’ – it was just our perception of that person and/or relationship.

Relationships and shoe sizes

Relationships and shoe sizes? You may wonder what type of a new combo this is and also at the connection between shoe sizes and relationships. As part of growing up, I’m sure everyone has had varying experiences with changing shoe sizes. Relationships may be related to shoe sizes – they grow and change with time. I consider that any relationship, be it between partners, spouses, friends, employer-employee, parent-child may be divided into four phases and each phase is to be experienced in full and dealt with differently. The four Phases:

1. Nascency: The beginning of a relationship is a gentle one of exploration and tentative first steps, even as the shoe size of a child grows gently at first. This phase of a relationship is a ‘getting to know’ phase and needs to be treated with kid gloves. Much is learnt about the relationship, even as the child learns which shoe sizes, shapes and designs are suitable for him or her. A lot of excitement is there in the newness of the relationship and time is invested in it, even as a child who first starts wearing shoes spends much of his waking moments wearing the shoe.   

2. The Surge: After the initial phase, the growth of the shoe size of a child becomes steady, as do relationships which grow and flourish with time. During this period of growth, there are sudden spurts of intense growth followed by a period of lull when there no seemingly outward indication of growth. When relationships between individuals grow, an expectation sets in of how the pace or depth of relationship will be over time. And when it doesn’t happen as per expectation, doubts creep in. As happens with shoe sizes, nothing can be predicted. Even during periods of seemingly no outward growth, there is a deepening of relationship in the calm still steps, if only one takes the effort to become aware of it. 

3. Vacillatory: There are also times when the increase in shoe size of an adolescent seem disproportionate to the increase in height. This may sometimes lead to disenchantment and questioning of the process happening within. This largely happens due to expectations of the human mind. Situations crop up in relations that may sound discordant with the symphony of the relationship thus far. Much like a square peg to be fit into a round hole. One expects the relationship to proceed in a certain way and when it deviates from what we expect to be the growth path, doubts creep in surreptitiously.  Accept the deviations. Relationships rarely conform to expectations. It’s the expectation that is the culprit, not the relationship.  

4. Sustainability: After the growth phase comes the plateau. The shoe size reaches its destined final size. A comfortable place to be in, as there would finally appear to be stability. Relationships between individuals also reach a stage of maturity and understanding. It levels off at this point. A feel good factor creeps in. Sometimes complacency sets in. What may be done to nurture the relationship at this point? Consider what adults do, after the attaining their final shoe size. They keep the interest alive by exploring new depths like shoe designs, colours, materials etc. within the given shoe size. Relationships also need to be kept alive and vibrant by exploring new avenues to keep the relationship intact. That’s when both feet and relationships remain comfortable and flourish.

Experience of each phase of a relationship is unique for an individual as also the time spent on each phase. This may vary from relationship to relationship for the same person too. 

Other readings on relationships:

Labelling relationships

Awareness in rapport

Labelling relationships

Do we relate to people by the labels or titles we assign them? I’m sure many of us do. Wife, mother, sister, brother, father, friend, partner, boss, co-worker, customer…the list is endless. It lends order, structure and definition in a chaotic world, in terms of how we relate, taking into consideration the dos and don’ts of society and also our own preference patterns.

Let’s take a moment to ponder. What is the basis of the relationships we have? Do we limit our experience of the relationship to the nomenclature of the label? We look at the relationship from one angle – from the angle of the label we have assigned. Do we at any point pause to consider that the person we are relating to is an individual whose entity goes much beyond the label assigned? An individual who may be a friend to one, a parent to another, a spouse to another, customer, boss & co-worker to another. He or she is defined not by any one relationship, but an amalgamation of all relationships.  

I wonder what would happen if we were to expand our horizons to beyond the labels we perceive in relations. Would the borders that define the relation then be a linear line or one which blurs into the horizon? The point here is that the borders of the relationship are ones which we draw. Would it limit the relationship or expand it? What will then change – will the limits of the relationship change? I guess they might become dynamic, as we still have the choice to acknowledge and define the boundaries. Would our perception of the person and relationship as a whole change? I should hope so. As there would then be an awareness of whole new dimensions to the individual we are relating to, not just the dimension that we relate to. Now to the bottom line. How does that help us? This increased awareness of the different facets of the individual would then give us flexibility in our own interactions, enriching the relationship by giving cognizance to the dynamics of the multiple factors at play. It would expand our awareness of the universe at large and give a sense of being a part of a whole. In the process it enables us go beyond the labels we define ourselves by, redefine the resources and identity we have.