Who am I?

A recent conversation brought this question to mind – Who am I? While this question may have been directed ‘at’ you many a time, I am curious to know how many of us ask this question 'of' ourselves.

Each of us would have our own unique ways of explaining who we are… A wife, husband, brother, sister, daughter, son, father, mother, a name that we are known by, a friend, a boss, a co-worker, a profession that we relate to…the list is endless. We often define ourselves by the relationships we have with others. In this highly competitive world, we quite often also define ourselves by our chosen career, our profession.

Many of us, including myself, often fail to realise that these are all labels that we give ourselves.  And these labels sometimes become so much an integral part of us that they tend to encompass and take over our very being. We get so steeped within the framework of the label that it begins to define us - who we are, what we do and often becomes the sole reason for our very existence. The labels we give ourselves become us – our identity. We limit ourselves to the labels we assign ourselves. The very fact that we could be something more than the parameters that we set for ourselves through these very labels, seems anathema to us.

Often this identification of self with something/ someone/a relationship tends to throw up disquiet. We tend to see-saw between two apparently opposing ends of a spectrum – two polarities. This throws up such confusion that when we are at one end of the continuum, we feel disquietude and wish to move to the opposite end, neither quite offering the solace the self needs.    

The loss or even the threat of loss of the label attached to our ‘identity’ oftentimes tends to throw us into total incomprehension and chaos. If a label is taken away, we very often wouldn't know what to do. Take a moment to introspect – if you identify yourself with your profession/ job/ designation and that were taken away, how would you feel (keeping financial implications aside)? If you identify yourself with your role as a parent, sibling, child and that were taken away, what would it do to you? Phew, are we venturing into uncharted waters now? Scary isn't it?   

Now take a deep breath, a moment to pause… and ask this question: ‘When I define myself the way I currently define myself, what part of me does that definition leave out?” Can it be that in attaching my identity to a particular label(s) there are parts of me that are glossed over? Keep doing this, going deeper and deeper each time, till you get a sense of how much of you is glossed over by the label(s) you assign to your identity. Now the crux: Ask yourself “what would happen if I did not attach my identity to those labels?” You’d be surprised at the answer your unconscious throws up. A greater awareness of the labels we take on as our identity, is a good place to begin.

Who am I? What if I am just a being, having the myriad ‘labels’ that I profess to love so much simply floating around me, as if in a formless space. Then I could pick up and put on any of them at will, for a time and particular season. What if I identify myself with none of the labels – free to take on different avatars at different times? What if in doing so I could just be myself? And in just being myself, opposing labels of a continuum could be in equanimity? Do I have to attach myself to a label? Who am I? Nothing…     

A year of getting to know…myself

A new beginning, a new year… maybe new resolutions for many…and for some like me, a time of reflection into the events of the past year. 2012 has been a memorable year - for me and several others known to me; the reasons being many and varied for each person. As I ponder over what exactly set this year apart from the others, many events come to mind. Weddings, funerals, special anniversaries, births, professional strides, new hobbies…then I realise that these are just events. As I ponder deeper within, I realise that all these events represent surface points of a deeper process at work within me – it’s been a year of getting to know more about myself. A year of peeling off more surface skin to get to the essence of I, me, myself.

With more than half my life over (I guess…), you would imagine that I would know myself…no hidden secrets. Well, life had a way of throwing me for a loop this past year, and in hindsight it’s been a beautiful personal journey of rediscovering myself. Let me share with you, a few things that I got to know about myself, which might just about trigger thought processes in you.

1. Realising hidden talents - The year started out with a brand new avatar of me taking shape – in written form. My blog was up and running end January. It’s been a marvellous year of penning my thoughts to paper – something I had never done before in my life. And from the sheer number of pageviews my blog gets from across the world (i.e. for a regular, normal person like me) – over 4000 pageviews in 11 months(and no, it does not count my viewing), courtesy I think of some SEO that I may have unknowingly cracked in Google search engine – I realise that maybe, just maybe, I have tapped into some hidden potential of spewing written words in prose and poetry…in a manner that reaches out to people.

My learning: Listen to my inner voice and do/write what it prompts you to. It’s never too late in life to start developing a new talent.

2. Deep treasures of emotional  strength - It took a comment made by a cousin to trigger a reflection into my next learning of myself. It’s been a tough roller coaster ride emotionally and physically the past year – taking care of my terminally ill mother and then reconciling to her death. From comments made, I understand that to the outside world – friends, family - my behaviour through it all represented strength and resilience during a tough period. When I now look back – I don’t know how I went through it all. Taking time to meditate and be with myself, I tapped into hidden nuggets of deep set resources which enabled me to be strong during this period. 

My learning: There are hidden resources within each of us to deal with every one of life’s challenges. We are never thrown into life’s deep end without essential life support.

3. Being comfortable with my vulnerability – When I put up “An ode to my mother” on Facebook, it received much appreciation. Some expressed that it required great strength to put my emotions on display. Now on reflection, I realise that it was possible because I am now comfortable with my vulnerabilities.

My learning: True strength lies in acknowledging the power of ‘perceived’ vulnerabilities.      

4. Sensing answers from within not without – One of the most profound learnings of the year has been the internal sourcing of answers to life’s queries. Instead of a habituated externalisation of thoughts and queries, I started new habits of sensing solutions to perceived problems from within, from my unconscious. The results have been mind boggling, the choices that open up - amazing. Internal integrations of emotions and feelings resulting from a sense of deep spiritualisation from within.

My learning: We have all the answers within us, if we care to search within. Internal integrations thus attained, lead to a sense of grounded well-being. 'Habits we put in practice end up shaping the people we are within' - David Brooks.

5. An ability to reach out and touch others in their pain – This has been a year of another firsts. Friends, family reaching out to me for support and help. Recommendations from friends enabling strangers to approach me with their problems.

My learning: Knowing myself enables me to guide others on the path to know themselves – somehow it benefits them. Reaching out and giving to others of oneself gives a personal sense of satisfaction deep within. 

6. Being part of a divine plan and purpose – Above all, every event of the last year brought home the fact that there is a divine plan and purpose for everything. Everything happens at the right time for the right purpose with the right person, though I may know of it in hindsight.

My learning: There is a divine alignment of every event of my life with a divine purpose and plan. Everything happens for the best, though we know not how.

Wishing everyone a year of happy rediscovery of themselves, leading to an integrated sense of well- being and a greater rapport with the self.