On handling differing opinions

It's been a while since my last blog post. Something I'd heard on a podcast (The hidden brain) was brought alive to me in an interaction I observed recently. And brought alive the urge to write. 

The way we usually address a difference of opinion is to knock on our neighbours door and discuss the matter to find an amicable solution. 

Now imagine that this difference of opinion takes place between individuals/groups who work in silos. Instead of talking with each other, one party takes delight in throwing open a door to the road and shares his/her opinion with all who are on that side of the road. The other party also throws open a door to communicate, but this door opens to another road, and another audience. Do we assume that we both open our doors to the same road and the same audience?

What would happen if we, as a first step take a moment to consider our own opinion first? And as the next step, take a moment to understand the matter from the other's perspective. Might we then open our doors on to the same road? To a mutual conversation and a road that might reach a common destination. A practice that I could remind myself to do more often too. Of the power in self and other awareness.

Getting in sync with myself

As I was wondering over the last few days about what should be the topic of my next blog post, my mind wandered and flitted from topic to topic like a hovering butterfly. However, no words magically came to mind. Is this what’s called ‘writer’s block’, I wondered? Finally, I closed my eyes and asked my inner self to guide me. The answer I got was to get in sync with myself. What I have understood of myself the past year is that no words flow from mind to pen to paper, or in this case: from mind to keyboard to MS word, unless I tap into the deep well within me.   

A deep well within? Call it what you may – a deep well of still waters, an oasis of calmness,  the sounds of pin drop silence. Each of us may have experienced it at some point in our lives. And those of you who haven’t – try it, it’ll change your life forever.

So how do I get to this deep well within me? Two words – Just be. I don't have to 'do' anything. Its there for the taking, if I am still enough.

How do I know that I am there? Simple – it becomes a moment in time when everything fades away, leaving me aware of the silence within and the sounds without. It is that moment in time when I become empty of feelings within and become aware of feelings around.  It is that moment in time when the cacophony of voices in my head stop and the thoughts of my mind-maps become blank, leaving empty spaces for different words and mind-maps of situations around me.

And what happens when I get there – to this place within me? I become so tuned into myself that I get a sense of the immense resources that are available within me. It empowers me to be myself in a way that I want to be. I GET IN SYNC WITH MYSELF. I have seen this happen at close quarters recently, with a terminally ill patient – who would regularly go within, to tap into hidden powerful resources that helped her cope with immense pain without morphine. I marveled at it then, and I marvel at it now. And I marvel at the fact that this experience is within reach of all – if only we are 'still' enough.

What happens when I get in sync with myself? I find that I am at peace – with myself and with the world around me.  I find that I have choices to behave in a way that I choose to and not because I was constrained to by situations/ persons outside my control (much as my mind would love to apportion blame elsewhere). Having choices give me flexibility of behaviour and I assume responsibility of my actions.There comes an alignment of who I am, my behaviour and what I do. I find empowerment of self – body and spirit, and in that empowerment comes a sense of oneness and a divine alignment.  A communion with the Spirit...

Here's to a happy syncing of mind, body and spirit.

Who am I?

A recent conversation brought this question to mind – Who am I? While this question may have been directed ‘at’ you many a time, I am curious to know how many of us ask this question 'of' ourselves.

Each of us would have our own unique ways of explaining who we are… A wife, husband, brother, sister, daughter, son, father, mother, a name that we are known by, a friend, a boss, a co-worker, a profession that we relate to…the list is endless. We often define ourselves by the relationships we have with others. In this highly competitive world, we quite often also define ourselves by our chosen career, our profession.

Many of us, including myself, often fail to realise that these are all labels that we give ourselves.  And these labels sometimes become so much an integral part of us that they tend to encompass and take over our very being. We get so steeped within the framework of the label that it begins to define us - who we are, what we do and often becomes the sole reason for our very existence. The labels we give ourselves become us – our identity. We limit ourselves to the labels we assign ourselves. The very fact that we could be something more than the parameters that we set for ourselves through these very labels, seems anathema to us.

Often this identification of self with something/ someone/a relationship tends to throw up disquiet. We tend to see-saw between two apparently opposing ends of a spectrum – two polarities. This throws up such confusion that when we are at one end of the continuum, we feel disquietude and wish to move to the opposite end, neither quite offering the solace the self needs.    

The loss or even the threat of loss of the label attached to our ‘identity’ oftentimes tends to throw us into total incomprehension and chaos. If a label is taken away, we very often wouldn't know what to do. Take a moment to introspect – if you identify yourself with your profession/ job/ designation and that were taken away, how would you feel (keeping financial implications aside)? If you identify yourself with your role as a parent, sibling, child and that were taken away, what would it do to you? Phew, are we venturing into uncharted waters now? Scary isn't it?   

Now take a deep breath, a moment to pause… and ask this question: ‘When I define myself the way I currently define myself, what part of me does that definition leave out?” Can it be that in attaching my identity to a particular label(s) there are parts of me that are glossed over? Keep doing this, going deeper and deeper each time, till you get a sense of how much of you is glossed over by the label(s) you assign to your identity. Now the crux: Ask yourself “what would happen if I did not attach my identity to those labels?” You’d be surprised at the answer your unconscious throws up. A greater awareness of the labels we take on as our identity, is a good place to begin.

Who am I? What if I am just a being, having the myriad ‘labels’ that I profess to love so much simply floating around me, as if in a formless space. Then I could pick up and put on any of them at will, for a time and particular season. What if I identify myself with none of the labels – free to take on different avatars at different times? What if in doing so I could just be myself? And in just being myself, opposing labels of a continuum could be in equanimity? Do I have to attach myself to a label? Who am I? Nothing…     

Rapport in death

Wikipedia says “The word Rapport stems from the old French verb rapporter which means literally to carry something back. What a person sends out, the other sends back – They are in sync.” Yesterday, while in a meditative state, I was struck by this thought – Am I ready to accept death as a blessing? Can I accept that there could be rapport in death? Death – as applied to many different contexts – death of self, death to self, death of a loved one.

My thought process ran amok with startled thoughts and ideas. I remembered a Bible verse which says “Truly, truly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit”: John 12:24. I thought this was worth dwelling over. Could one ever be in rapport with death? One of the many definitions of death is a cessation of breathing, a termination or extinction of something. If so, how does death bear fruit?

Those who've experienced meditation will understand that we become aware of ourselves (self-awareness) when we extinguish the cacophony of noise that surround us. We become aware of our innermost being when we plough through the multitude of thoughts, ideas and feelings that flood our minds 24/7/365, to the deepest recesses of our being, where everything but “I, me, myself”, is dead. When we reach our deepest recesses, we reach a place of tranquility  resourcefulness, life-giving sustenance and a deep sense of communion with that part of ourselves which is called by different names by different people -the ‘Unconscious’ (as it outside of conscious thought and feeling) or the ‘Spirit’ .  When in this place, going by personal experience, the so called facets of life – sound, feeling, thoughts, words, actions – become immaterial. A state of rapport exists – between self (conscious self) and our innermost self (unconscious self). In death then, are we truly alive. We become dead to thoughts, words, sounds and feelings and become aware of the still quiet voice within us, which comes to life and becomes heard in the absence of the humdrum of daily life.

How about getting in rapport with the death of a loved one? The act of getting in communion with one’s innermost self is in itself an act which requires no words, thoughts, action or bodily interpretation. At the deepest level of rapport with another person, it’s an unconscious one and has no rhyme or reason or explanation. So what difference does the presence or absence of the bodily form of another person make to the rapport that exists between the two? Rapport between persons in its purest form is a communion of two souls, two spirits - when we can reach down deep inside ourselves and know that we touch and are in sync with the other. When we reach this level of rapport – we can truly count death in every form as a blessing.

Awareness in Rapport

What does it mean to ‘be’ with someone? For some it may mean spending time together, to others - doing things together, spending quality time together, listening to the other…the list is endless. Take a moment to ponder… “When I last spent time with someone, did I come away all the more richer for having kept self aside and soaked in all the nuances that were said or left unsaid?”

In this world of fast moving vehicles, products which reach their shelf life even before they are launched, information that can be accessed at speeds that appear to move faster than light, it is but quite natural to want to be quick. There is no time to waste. So we meet people, talk to them, feel for them, even listen – all the while cruising along life’s freeway. And we deem our relationships to be successful. Maybe, just maybe they are. Are they however, just touching the tip of the iceberg of what a wholesome, meaningful relationship could potentially be? Just like the iceberg, are we giving credence to what skims the surface and build our relationships on what could, at best be a tenuous bridge of togetherness? Is it possible go below that tenuous bridge built at the top of the iceberg and base the foundation of a relationship on the more solid, chunky base that is lurking below what is visible? Awareness brings in that possibility.

What does awareness mean? Does it even have to mean anything? The cognitive mind rests easy when it puts a meaning to the word. Wikipedia defines awareness as "the state or ability to perceive, to feel, or to be conscious of events, objects or sensory patterns."   

When a person is able to experience the presence of another being, without giving a label to the feelings and thoughts that come to mind…When a person listens to the other without giving importance to the multitude of thoughts that race through the mind at a billion knots per second… When a person sees the plethora of expressions that flit across the other’s face without giving in to the urge to give meaning to it… That’s when awareness steps in. And when awareness steps in, there is a suspension of judgement. When judgement is suspended, communication is open. When communication is open, there is an inexplicable sense of connectedness.

A sense of rapport that has its basis on simple awareness goes a long way to establish a feeling of trust. If we let awareness slip through our fingers, that sense of trust will shatter like a million glass pieces.

What would rapport be like if it is based only on awareness of the other person? I would reckon it to be like the branches of two weeping willows that strain to touch, blowing gently with the wind, connecting at periodic intervals.

Rapport is more firmly established when there is awareness, first of self and then of others. Becoming aware of the thoughts, pictures, voices, desires and feelings that course though our minds and bodies, leads us to a state of just ‘being in the moment’, which in turn enables a greater sense of awareness of others.

This true awareness is what gently leads to a sense of magic, a state of being where there is symphony even in silence.

For further readings on awareness, read my blog Mind with Awareness.