Anger Management: Part 2

In my last blog, I talked about the fact that extraneous factors do not press the trigger button for anger. We do, because much as we would like to believe that we do not have a choice, the truth is that we do. We push the trigger button for anger because we choose to.

Anger is such a ‘hot’ subject that I figured it warranted another write-up. This time I want to discuss about the emotional aspect of anger. We are largely led to believe that anger is a negative emotion and that it is not good to get angry. However, psychologists say that it is one of the basic emotions that need to be experienced fully. Let me share my experience with anger.

All through my childhood and early adulthood, I have been an extremely calm person. All this changed, seemingly without provocation, in the blink of an eye, under changed circumstances. And I started experiencing and expressing anger in different situations and levels. This seemingly about turn made no sense to me. Having never ever felt anger for much of my life, I suddenly felt I had metamorphosed into a different being entirely at times. And I began to feel guilty about getting angry. Now, that can be a vicious circle.
Till sometime ago, when I finally realised that I have both calmness and anger within me, as two ends of a spectrum. I let these two ends of the spectrum have a dialogue with each other. The realisation I came to was that both form an essential part of who I am and one is not better than the other, neither do either of them control who I am. Both are good in their own time and place, if expressed in a healthy manner, as they both have their own positive intentions. Once the acceptance came in, the guilt vanished and a collapse of the two extremities happened. This resulted in a new found sense of calmness and an ability to take ownership of my thoughts and feelings; and an ability to express my anger, if I so want to, in a manner that I want to. Always keeping in mind that it’s always my finger on the trigger button, not somebody else’s.


With this awareness has also come the experience that my decision to choose calmness over anger much of the time is surely becoming an intrinsic, unconscious one. I also realise that anger, far from being a negative emotion, bears a positive influence if expressed in a healthy manner. Because it’s the intention behind it that's important - the primary focus being to deepen a relationship.


For the first part of this series read my blog Anger Management

Anger Management

Familiar sounding terms? There are umpteen training programs and trainers that specialise in anger management. Are we to then assume that anger is an emotion that is not productive and therefore to be managed? Let’s probe this a little deeper.  

When do we get angry? When things don’t go our way? When someone else makes us angry? When we get frustrated? When someone doesn’t understand us? The list is endless…Consider the reasons closely. Almost all of the reasons will be attributed to a source or reason outside of us. Something which is ‘apparently’ outside of our control. What is the implication of this? Consider the following two response options: 

1.  When I get angry and say that someone or something outside of me ‘made’ me angry, what I am actually implying is that I have given that someone or something else power over my emotions. Think it over. In this world where we prize our independence and ability to think and act for ourselves so highly, is that what we want to do? Surrender the power over our emotional framework to someone or something outside of us? Where is the independence and ability to think and act for ourselves being manifest here? 

2. What if on the other hand, I recognise that while the other person or thing has created a situation which is not what I want, I retain the choice to react to that changed situation in a manner that I want to.

Which response do you think gives me greater power and flexibility? In the latter response, I retain my independence and ability to manage my own emotions, because I recognise that I can decide how I choose to react.

When we become aware of and recognise that this centre of control lies within us, and not with extraneous situations or persons, that’s when true anger management comes in. Because in that recognition comes the realisation that anger need not be managed. Since we now can choose to respond in one of many different ways.

We also start looking at the situation more closely and consider what could be the positive intention behind it. And when we uncover that positive meaning of that feeling of angst, we open up to ourselves a whole new world of response possibilities, putting the control of our emotions squarely within ourselves.      


For further readings on Anger Management read my next blog Anger Management: part 2