Over the years…Then & Now

I recently read somewhere that years go by at snail’s pace when we are young, while it jumps and leaps across the aging years. Do you think so? In hindsight, maybe yes. I remember how the years spent studying at school and college seemed never ending, while now the years spin by.

Then & now, here are some of my changing perspectives over the years, in no particular order…

1.       Then – No calorie count. Lean and thin was the order of the day.

Now - Every morsel counts, and contributes to the ever-expanding girth.

2.       Then – All food was food, but no craving for specifics

Now – Some food is more equal than others, cravings galore

3.       Then – Uncertainty in paths to follow

Now – Seemingly some certainly in ordained path(s)…or are they fantasies of the mind?

4.       Then – Emotional highs and lows, some tsunamis

Now -  Fewer see-saws, centered peace

5.       Then – Everything matters

Now – Important things matter, rest get washed away

6.       Then – Strong likes and dislikes, nothing in between

Now – Marked likes and dislikes, rest all adjustments or kept away

7.       Then – Life defined by striking colours

Now – A palette…mellower and warmer hues blend with the bold

8.       Then – Contact numbers of ‘friends and family’ in diary

Now – Emergency numbers of doctors & hospitals all set to rival ‘friends and family’

9.       Then – Constant desire to change the self to what’s expected

Now – Change is constant, around a steadfast core center

10.   Then – Take care of self, rest take care of themselves

Now – 360 deg care…self, parents, siblings, spouse and children

Many changing perspectives while some important aspects remain constant...like hitting the snooze button and loving to snuggle under a blanket for an extra 5 minutes every morning.

The dots of the past join to make sense in the experience of the ever present now. In this moment of life, does it matter what happened this year, in the past…what resolutions I made or kept, or what achievements I had? I reach into my bucket list and find…nothing. All vanish in fantasy…ephemeral perceptions.

I now say that life, for me began at age 35…when I learnt to get in touch with the stillness within and listened to the still quiet voice inside me…when I learnt to search within for what I used to search for outside. Over a decade later, ‘Now’ I’m able to reach into myself and tune into deeper realms within…I listen to stillness, compassion, love. Though a challenge at times to be in (a work in progress, as is life), ‘Now’ is infinitely beautiful, soothing, blissful. 

I sometimes contemplate how the dots of today, weave a pattern for tomorrow. Magical spiritual designs, I’m sure. Woven by the Master Weaver. Which stage am I at, in the tapestry of life, I wonder. Does it even matter?   No, it doesn’t. Not right ‘now’. Not if I am still and allow myself to be guided by the light within. The moment a year ends and a new one begins and every other moment…comprises both…an exhale and an inhale. ‘Then’ leads me to ‘Now’. All else is fantasy.

Separateness in togetherness - Additional musings

Musings on this 5th anniversary of mom's death...married couples have togetherness for a while, but one person will most likely live the final twilight years alone. Are we geared up for that emotionally? Is there separateness in togetherness or do we take spousal dependence as a must have, and give it pride of place?

Very recently, when my spouse took a two week solo vacation this month, I recognised his want of separateness and was very fine with it. I was however amazed at the many varied reactions from friends and family when he left... From genuine amazement -"why does he want to go solo on a vacation" , to scurrying insecurity - "what?!, I hope this doesn't  give my husband ideas", to bafflement -"what fun is a vacation alone", to reasoning -"is it on work also, then fine"or "is he going trekking, then fine", to righteous indignation on my behalf -"didn't you also want to see this place, how could he not take you also", to subtle sensing with both of us to check if we were still together :).  Innocent words when taken alone, but when coming multiple times from multiple people, threatened to swamp the lone individual, in this case, yours truly.

Till a point came, when the force of the outside voices threatened to overpower my inner conviction.  And resulted in some knee jerk responses. Till I figured out that these are voices of societal expectations of marriage dependence. And boy, did it take some work to dissociate myself from these outside voices.  

Now to all those voices which questioned my sanity to 'sanction or allow': Who am I to 'sanction' or allow'. Aren't we all adult individuals first and spouses second? Or is my identity immersed in spousal identity, or even parental identity? I've often wondered at this during conversations with women who express "we love each other so much that we cannot stay even one day without each other".  Also when women known to me perpetuate spousal dependence by depending on the spouse for any 'outside work', be it banking, driving etc. I've also wondered about this, when men known to me are emotionally dependent on loved ones to the extent that they need the regular daily/ hourly contact by phone or text, when away. I've also wondered at this (and I am guilty of this at times) when we as parents hover, when our children are way past hand holding. What happens to my identity when I 'let go'? Am I strong enough to let go?

To those voices which questioned if I was happy with 'not being taken': Do I miss seeing the sights? Yes I most definitely do. The pictures are dissociate from the experience and and cannot be related to. His experiences are his. Do I have an overpowering need to go see the place - No, I don't. If the opportunity presents itself, maybe yes. Yes, I certainly wish to go on a solo trip myself, not with a group. For the experience, if nothing else. I've done enough solo trips on work - and I love the experience, but a solo vacation - that's something on my wish list. But am I driven to it given that my spouse has? No absolutely not.

If there is any unhappiness at all, its just that I was not around at home the entire time to savour the solitude :) Missed that. Work kept me traveling too. And left our son alone to experience the solitude for 5 days. And sensing his need for experience and drive for independence, I kept all contact nil. Only to be pleasantly surprised on my return - to a spic and span house, all dishes washed, clothes washed and hung to dry, breakfast cooked and eaten, kitchen sparkling clean (mind you - to a mom's exacting standards). All completed courtesy a 'To do list' - up on his white board. I'll forever treasure that pic of the notations on that board. Not shared that with anyone other than the spouse, as it'll be an intrusion into the son's privacy. All he needed was parental independence.  And confidence of people he could turn to should there be any emergency.

Is our sense of self, 'independent of'  or 'immersed in' spousal/ parental identity? Is there separateness in togetherness? Did this experience enable that? Hopefully yes. Time will tell. There are two journeys we make alone - the journey of birth and death. The presence of others, adds to the experience and joy in between. Little did I know that the Bible too alludes to this in Galations 6:2-5.

The question is how much do we as a society enable such separateness? The 'letting go' to enable a person and ourselves just 'be'. And in letting go, prepare ourselves for our twilight years.

Hats off to my Dad who's managed this beautifully - in his aging twilight years. As parents, they always let us be. We daughters were never expected to call and inform when we've traveled and reached our destination. I think this lifelong habit of 'letting go', prepared him for these times. Mom, I'll be forever grateful for this wonderful lesson. You made our lives easier for this.

When the mind settles into itself

Last week, on an early morning flight, I struggled to find sleep. I closed my eyes, and what do I find? A cacophony of thoughts which refused to let me fly…to fly to the land of bliss. My mind knows that my body needs its rest before a full day’s work. I know the theory…close eyes…blank my mind…. but no, did not work. My thoughts and ideas were determined to have their dance. And through their dance, hold my mind hostage.

Hostage? Isn’t that too strong a word? Absolutely not. What else can I call it? When thoughts hold the mind in a tightening grip. Against its will? Surely not. Did I ever pause to listen to the mind? To allow the self to come to mind?

If I did, I would liken my mind to the incessant chatter of a monkey. After a point, I become unaware of little else. It becomes the norm.  The thoughts that flit through, the feelings and emotions. They become so much a part of me, that I tend to forget. To forget that I am not my thoughts. I am not my feelings. I am not my emotions. Silence of the mind was an alien concept to me, till a few years ago, till mindfulness came to play.

So, I settled into my flight. Closed my eyes and began the focus again…this time on the thoughts that held court in my mind. I allowed them to be. I shifted focus to my breath. In and out. So much a pattern. And noticed that they did not falter. They rose and fell like the tide of the ocean. Slowly and steadily. Rolling in and out gently. They rise, only to fall. And fall, before they rise. Unending. Always. Where would I be without my breath? That was a thought. And I found that thoughts still demanded entry into my mind. But this time, they flitted through. They gently floated through the rooms of my mind with the waves of my breath.

I noticed that when I shifted my awareness to my breath, my thoughts lost their stranglehold on me. I am no longer my thoughts. They are a small part of me, much like my breath, much like I am part of this whole universe. My emotions no longer feed me. I realise that I feed them, by dwelling too much on them. Letting go… like the waves of the ocean. Rising and falling. Experiencing them in the moment and letting go.

And let go, I did. To the land of breathing and living in the magical awareness of the soul. The cusp between the conscious and unconscious. Unaware that I had fallen asleep. Awareness to conscious reality, only when I was awoken by the flight attendant for meals.   

March musings...

Period of my life: Teenage. Early adulthood

Note to self: “This, I will do/definitely not do this with my kids… Yes, I’ll set right everything that my parents did wrong with me. Can’t go wrong. After all I’ve gone through it!”

Saved in: No digitally enabled ‘To Do’ apps at the time. But saved in indelible ink in the deep recesses of my mind. Can’t forget. No, never.

My attitude: Smug. “Just you wait and watch, Mum & Dad. I’ll show you how it’s done.”

Period of my life: Early parenthood. Early. Very early.

Note to self: “Wow. This is great. Did such a being of adorable joy really spring from me? Awesomeness in a squiggly bundle.”

Saved in: First hard disk of parenthood.

My attitude: Bliss. Sheer bliss. With all the minor attendant problems. Minor. Really minor.

Period of my life: Young parenthood. Young. Maybe up to 10 years…

Note to self: “Patience Ann. Patience…It’s a phase. You know the terrible 2’s. But nobody told me it extends to the 3’s, and the 4’s, 5’s….? Must be early onset of adolescence.”

Saved in: Temporary files. Definitely temporary. RAM.

My attitude: Frazzled. Voyage of discovery…of new temperaments in self.

Period of my life: Adolescent parenthood

Note to self: “Let me refer my notes. In the deep recesses of my mind. Find anything similar? Nope. Cross reference with others in same boat. I’m not the only one rudderless. Thank goodness for small mercies! Reasoning comes of help: You know, times are different from my days - internet, gaming etc.”    

Saved in: Caused a systemic crash. RAM has now been expanded.

My attitude: New lessons in forbearance. Giving advice? Forget it. It’s wasted breath. But its mine to waste. So, I will. Anxious thoughts subtly creep in. “Where am I going wrong? How, when I took arduous notes as I was growing up?” Paradoxically, in the midst of all this, a sense of deep satisfaction that a level of maturity is also growing in the offspring. Can be hands free for a while. Phew!

Period of my life: Late teenage/ Young adult parenthood

Note to self: “Our children are not us. Each one is unique. Period.” Easy to say. Takes time to ingest. That’s why parenthood spans an entire lifetime.

Saved in: In the deep recesses of my mind. Overwritten old data. Ongoing. Evolving. Musings in a blog…   

My learning: 

I've come a full circle. New found respect for quite a few things the parents did. It’s tough being a parent. Emotionally high at times. Gut wrenching at others. Nothing prepares you for it. No manual. No academics. No experience. Nothing. You wing it. Always. You make mistakes. And learn from them…in hindsight. At times, you hit a jackpot. At others, it questions your sanity. But I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world. It defines you as nothing else ever does.

We are individuals. Single. Separate. Different. I made my mistakes growing up. Am who I am because of them. I want to prevent my offspring from making ‘perceived’ mistakes. But realise that he needs to make his own. His choice. That’s the toughest one. I can guide. His choice to follow. He is his own. Not my extension. Let him stay. Let him go. Let him fly. Let him fall. Let him be. No expectations. Well save one – Let him be true to himself and embrace life’s experiences. 

The least and the best I can do? To be a mindful parent at all times, embracing all that it entails. Cherishing. Evolving. To be there, through every period – the highs and the lows. As a pillar of support. Back end support. 24/7/365. Forever. Always. In this world. And beyond…

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-      Musings of an evolving parent

Ann Joseph