90 days

Great expectations

March 11 2020 

The start of what we (the Mr and I) expected to be a long awaited month long vacation, starting with a wedding in the family at Phoenix, Arizona, USA. Why long awaited? Well, it had been a decade since my last overseas trip, coincidently to the USA again, and a decade since I'd taken a much deserved long vacation (discounting the 3 days short vacations or the Christmas times spent with the parents. Those are not vacations in my opinion, just breaks 😊).

Much excitement in the air from months before- a wedding to attend and a vacation to plan. You can imagine! A friend very wisely told me in Jan /Feb this year that much of the enjoyment of a vacation is in the planning and researching for it. Well, that certainly was true for us, in hindsight. Youtube videos, good old wiki, traveller reviews etc. gave us much to imbibe even as we planned our trip in minute detail. Months spent on learning a new language, Spanish, for our trip to Peru. (Well, duolingo is certainly an app I'd recommend to anyone wanting to learn a new language.)

Come march 2020, and we were set, or so we thought 🙄. 

Strange realities

Then in Jan/feb 2020 came the Corona to crown the vacation of all vacations. Come march 1st week 2020, and the question was - to do or not to do. Million dollar question - literally. Well, to cut a long story short, we decided to go ahead, mainly as we were to be the only immediate family representatives at the wedding, and partly also because the travel agent said that we would barely get any refunds of money spent. We decided to leave my "super senior" dad and "young adult" son in the care of each other for the next month and leave for the wedding. 

So off we went, armed with sanitisers, gloves and masks. Diligently disinfecting aircraft seats and well, we did not wear masks as the WHO then did not recommend it. Only to be greeted on arrival at Phoenix by the WHO news of declaring the covid 19 as a pandemic. 

One of the great parts of this story - it was one of the most enjoyable weddings I've ever attended (including my own 😉). From a slew of firsts - first henna on my hands (yes, imagine that!!), to my first group Indian dance at the wedding (I realised belatedly, that left and right leg/hand coordination is what it's all about 🙄), to experiencing a bridal shower (what fun it was to teach the Americans how to drape a saree😂), to a lovely and moving wedding ceremony, and the emotions of seeing a girl I'd fallen in love with when she was a 10 day old newborn, marrying the man of her dreams. And most importantly, no one from the wedding ceremony contracted the Corona. Phew ✌️

Then boom.... All well laid plans went kaput. Well, we did what mankind has always done well....we adapted. Decided to cut short our trip and return post haste after the wedding. Only to find our plans thwarted at every turn - cancelled flights, and a narrow miss of the window of opportunity return of the last flight into India, before clamp down on international flights into India. 

So then began our sojourn in Phoenix for the unforseeable future. Living in an airbnb (not my sister's place as some believed), practicing physical distancing became the norm - we simply avoided crowded places. Which meant that we stayed put at the airbnb. We were fortunate to live in a place where population density was less. Stepping aside to maintain physical distancing during a walk became an art form.  Hoping against hope that the Indian airspace would open up soon. 

And when it opened up, the endless emails/calls to the Embassy and others for help to find a way to get onto those few evacuation flights. Of hope and despair everytime a phase of flights would go by without our names on it. On and on, with no end in sight... Hope became our only support. 

Unprecedented learnings 

1. Remember what I said about researching for the vacation? Well, the universe decided that I had not done enough research...and it was true. I thought Arizona was all about the Grand Canyon (and it surely is beautiful and another majestic high point of our visit - I felt humbled beside it), 

the red rocks of Sedona,

the beauty and cold of Flagstaff

and the caves and museums. 

So life decided that it would teach me about the small things - the various Arizona cactii and it's beautiful blooms, 

the calls of the mockingbird, the strut of the Gamble Quail (click here for video - Gamble Quail ), the buoyancy of the hummingbirds, (click here for video - Hummingbird's buoyancy),

the life giving kiss of a bee, 

the freezing of a rabbit in fright, 

the rare sighting of the coyote, 

the sheer joy of sighting a bear, 

The slow slither of the long nose snake sunning itself on the sidewalk (click here for video - long nose snake), the silence of the rattlesnake, 

the upright posture of the round tailed ground squirrel (click here for video Round tail ground squirrel), the exhilarating feel of gravel and stones under the feet on a long tough mountain hike, 

and the myriad hues of the sunrises and sunsets.

And what a learning it was. Certainly not from youtube or wikipedia. But simply the best that one can have. From nature itself. Which I'd forgotten to do in the daily humdrum of life. 

2. I learnt to stop, take a pause and observe the subtle beauties of life, from one breath to the next, moment by moment. And I slowly learnt to cope day by day...with uncertainty, hope and despair, anxiety of leaving an elderly parent with a young adult son (well children are always young for a parent), loss of income and with complex human dynamics of people thrown together by a pandemic. 

3. I learnt that drawing on one's own internal resources for strength is easy to preach, more complex to make an ongoing habit through the toughest of times. Mind you, this despite my decade long experience in mindfulness practice and meditation. Some friends did comment that I was calm and collected, fewer know that I had my few moments of meltdown, when external events overcome the best of me. Many thought it was a second honeymoon for the Mr and me, an extended holiday. And while this gave us undiluted time together, I'm also grateful to the people who looked beyond the obvious and took time to  understand the not so obvious. Those who gave a call/texted  to check how we were doing. You know who you are - thank you! And I learnt the power of simple words of enquiry, a single call, a one line text... I learnt that even when I am strong emotionally, it is OK to lean on others at times, to take a moment to unburden my angst on another's shoulders. I learnt that it is fine to be able recognise my feelings for what they are and move on. I learnt that I don't have to be strong all the time. Above all, I learnt to go with the flow. To accept that even in uncertainties to rest assured that the One more powerful than I, holds the certainties in His hands. 

4. I also started looking for larger purposes 🕵️at work even in the most difficult of times. At times it did make sense to me. Oftentimes, it did not. What I do know however, is that the dots will surely join together for me some years down the line. 

5. Health - well one of the larger purposes was surely for both the Mr and I to become fitter 😊. Over 12 kg loss in weight for the Mr

and a modest 5.5 kg for me.

Well, modest it may be, but I became the weight I was when I got married💃. More importantly, a practice of intermittent fasting I'd started 2 years ago, took hold, expanded and became firm. 

Walking 🚶‍♀️as an exercise was a chore, I'd earlier conveniently skip whenever possible. 

Now, the 7 to 9 km daily walks became the lifeline of my existence. Documented faithfully through my face book posts. I craved the freshness it brought to my life. The simple act of acknowledging another human being (which I admire the Arizonians for), making new friends brought light to my life. Hopefully, walking is something that's reframed in my life for the positive. Time will tell... 

6. The well wishes from people known and unknown, the willingness of others to lend a helping hand when needed. A revelation that people just wait for opportunities to help, should we just ask for it. 

Greater sojourn endings 

Then the big announcement that tickets for evacuation flights would now be on sale! Morning wake up alarms were set, strategies worked out (after all it all boiled down to a game of fastest finger first with a little over 3000 seats for 40000 persons waiting for evacuation from the USA). The Mr would take the even dates, I'll do the odd dates - flights were scheduled from the 11th to 30th June. 

The nail biting finish. The first false start, I went all the way to payment only to find the seats blocked were no longer available. The phone touch screen let me down, as I'd incorrectly selected a seat. Nerves of steel required. The Mr telling me to be cool. Then he managed to get through to payment stage for a date, later realised it was for the 11th itself. Then yippee, payment through. Indescribable moment. Emotional release. I cried. A miracle had happened. 

I then rushed to check on the others in the group, as tickets were all unavailable within half an hour. They were all unsuccessful. Hour after hour of trying, and then miraculously 16th became available and tickets were booked for all. Phew! 

To cut a long story short, we quickly sorted out our travel to San francisco from where the evacuation flight started. First the journey to San francisco (which by the way was on our original itinerary - a day in reality versus the week originally planned). Apart from brief health scare the day before travel, some instances which warm the heart - the Mr's friend's insistence to show us some sights of the city (which for me was a blur as I had only one objective - to get on the flight AA1174). 

And more importantly for me, a dear friend who travelled to the airport, as she simply had to meet me when I "was in her backyard" (with covid precautions of course - air hugs, masks etc.) 😍

The return journey was not for the faint hearted. Standing for a total of 3 hours in 2 different queues - one for thermal check and another for check in,

surely took a toll on one legs (despite all the marathon walks). The masks and vizors did not make the journey any easier.

Prepacked meals kept on the seat (no piping hot service) jostled with leg space later.

A loaded wallet lost in the plane (and now found and awaited). A plethora of events and emotions. 

Oh, but the sweet sigh of relief on reaching Bengaluru.... Indescribable. The service and organisation at BIAL airport, one of the best I've seen. The covid care precautions taken (see baggage fumigation at Taj Vivanta ) and the warmth as well as courtesy at the Taj Vivanta hotel, touches the heart.

Day 2 of quarantine. The rest of the 14 day quarantine lies ahead and before long, it will be home sweet home. 

March 11 to June 11 

90 days - a dream......the present - a miracle. 

Every step along the way, a journey to get us to where we are to go. 

Breathe in the moment, it takes us to the next one. Each one a miracle. Let's slow down to experience it. 

Ruminations of a quarantined mind

It's been a month since I've been in a country far away from my own, in a lockdown period necessitated by covid 19. A month of highs and lows, certainties and uncertainties, joys and angst. As I reflect on the workings of my mind and body this past month, a few reflections come to mind. 

1. The body is in quarantine. And it's good and necessary at this time. For the most part, I think people believe in the necessity of quarantining ourselves for our own good health. My thought : how often do we quarantine our minds? Quarantine aka 'a state of isolation'. Away from the hustle and bustle of talk, other talk and self talk. To concentrate on just being....rejuvenation.

2. Some minds tend to be in a perpetual state of anxiety. It thrives on anxiety. Feeds on worry. In the absence of anything else to do, it chews the cud. With self and with others. Paranoia in some cases. In normal course of events, life happens and much of this may be camouflaged, swept under the carpet, attention diverted. But during a forced quarantine,....true fears/emotions begin to emerge... nowhere to hide...at times. 

3. Some minds, on the other hand, prefer to play ostrich. Bury itself. Attempt any kind of diversionary tactics to avoid facing itself. Uncomfortable with reality, escapism prevails. Busy bodies and minds. If I don't acknowledge it, it doesn't exist. Bury it deep within... Not seen... Not heard... Not felt...Not acknowledged. Till, a tipping point is reached. And then boom... It may swing to the other end of the paradigm. 

4. Some minds, reach out to touch the inner being, and then quickly pull out. Like standing before a beautiful pool of water, dipping a toe in and quickly pulling out. Shallow immersions. Choosing instead to engross the mind in other 'more important - less painful' activities. 

5. Some minds on the other hand, face this isolation of the mind with equanimity. Even relish it at times. It's that time to dig deep, get past the fluff, get face to face with ourselves... and all its perfections and imperfections. To get to the hidden reserves of inner strength...communion with the deepest inner self/being... An Oasis in the dessert. (Communion - "the sharing or exchanging of intimate thoughts and feelings, especially when the exchange is on a mental or spiritual level."). Spirituality in it's deepest form. Be still and know... 

Question to each of us: do we take time off periodically to quarantine our minds? Are we comfortable facing our innermost selves? Without varnish, in it's deepest truest form? What hidden treasures do you think we might find this way? 

When the mind settles into itself

Last week, on an early morning flight, I struggled to find sleep. I closed my eyes, and what do I find? A cacophony of thoughts which refused to let me fly…to fly to the land of bliss. My mind knows that my body needs its rest before a full day’s work. I know the theory…close eyes…blank my mind…. but no, did not work. My thoughts and ideas were determined to have their dance. And through their dance, hold my mind hostage.

Hostage? Isn’t that too strong a word? Absolutely not. What else can I call it? When thoughts hold the mind in a tightening grip. Against its will? Surely not. Did I ever pause to listen to the mind? To allow the self to come to mind?

If I did, I would liken my mind to the incessant chatter of a monkey. After a point, I become unaware of little else. It becomes the norm.  The thoughts that flit through, the feelings and emotions. They become so much a part of me, that I tend to forget. To forget that I am not my thoughts. I am not my feelings. I am not my emotions. Silence of the mind was an alien concept to me, till a few years ago, till mindfulness came to play.

So, I settled into my flight. Closed my eyes and began the focus again…this time on the thoughts that held court in my mind. I allowed them to be. I shifted focus to my breath. In and out. So much a pattern. And noticed that they did not falter. They rose and fell like the tide of the ocean. Slowly and steadily. Rolling in and out gently. They rise, only to fall. And fall, before they rise. Unending. Always. Where would I be without my breath? That was a thought. And I found that thoughts still demanded entry into my mind. But this time, they flitted through. They gently floated through the rooms of my mind with the waves of my breath.

I noticed that when I shifted my awareness to my breath, my thoughts lost their stranglehold on me. I am no longer my thoughts. They are a small part of me, much like my breath, much like I am part of this whole universe. My emotions no longer feed me. I realise that I feed them, by dwelling too much on them. Letting go… like the waves of the ocean. Rising and falling. Experiencing them in the moment and letting go.

And let go, I did. To the land of breathing and living in the magical awareness of the soul. The cusp between the conscious and unconscious. Unaware that I had fallen asleep. Awareness to conscious reality, only when I was awoken by the flight attendant for meals.   

Getting in sync with myself

As I was wondering over the last few days about what should be the topic of my next blog post, my mind wandered and flitted from topic to topic like a hovering butterfly. However, no words magically came to mind. Is this what’s called ‘writer’s block’, I wondered? Finally, I closed my eyes and asked my inner self to guide me. The answer I got was to get in sync with myself. What I have understood of myself the past year is that no words flow from mind to pen to paper, or in this case: from mind to keyboard to MS word, unless I tap into the deep well within me.   

A deep well within? Call it what you may – a deep well of still waters, an oasis of calmness,  the sounds of pin drop silence. Each of us may have experienced it at some point in our lives. And those of you who haven’t – try it, it’ll change your life forever.

So how do I get to this deep well within me? Two words – Just be. I don't have to 'do' anything. Its there for the taking, if I am still enough.

How do I know that I am there? Simple – it becomes a moment in time when everything fades away, leaving me aware of the silence within and the sounds without. It is that moment in time when I become empty of feelings within and become aware of feelings around.  It is that moment in time when the cacophony of voices in my head stop and the thoughts of my mind-maps become blank, leaving empty spaces for different words and mind-maps of situations around me.

And what happens when I get there – to this place within me? I become so tuned into myself that I get a sense of the immense resources that are available within me. It empowers me to be myself in a way that I want to be. I GET IN SYNC WITH MYSELF. I have seen this happen at close quarters recently, with a terminally ill patient – who would regularly go within, to tap into hidden powerful resources that helped her cope with immense pain without morphine. I marveled at it then, and I marvel at it now. And I marvel at the fact that this experience is within reach of all – if only we are 'still' enough.

What happens when I get in sync with myself? I find that I am at peace – with myself and with the world around me.  I find that I have choices to behave in a way that I choose to and not because I was constrained to by situations/ persons outside my control (much as my mind would love to apportion blame elsewhere). Having choices give me flexibility of behaviour and I assume responsibility of my actions.There comes an alignment of who I am, my behaviour and what I do. I find empowerment of self – body and spirit, and in that empowerment comes a sense of oneness and a divine alignment.  A communion with the Spirit...

Here's to a happy syncing of mind, body and spirit.

Mind with Awareness

If all the books written on the power of the mind be kept in one place, I’m sure there wouldn’t be space enough for them even in a gargantuan library dedicated to the subject. Mind power, battlefield of the mind, mind over body – these are just few of the mind-boggling array of topics debated and dissected by self-help gurus – and eagerly lapped up by all and sundry, including yours truly.

A conversation I had with a friend recently was truly thought provoking. On the subject of experiencing disappointment on account of having unfulfilled expectations of others, I was told that it is not humanly possible not to have expectations. That while in theory it sounds nice that the mind has control and can avoid having expectations, in reality it doesn't happen. Is that the same thought flitting across your mind too? So where is the supremacy of the mind here? Is it a fallacy?

This set me reflecting...consider for example the case of unfulfilled expectations. These can cause disappointment and sometimes, if we are honest enough to admit, a feeling of vulnerability.  And while for many of us, living a life without any expectations whatsoever (stated or otherwise) may sound good when coming from the mouth of the gurus, it may be a little bit (and the ‘little’ is relative here) of a herculean task to embody in real life.

But what if the mind ponders upon that feeling of disappointment and vulnerability and links it back to the unstated expectations (reasonable or not) we have had? That’s when a state of awareness comes in.

It’s an acknowledgement of feelings and expectations in the 'now', without any judgement.  An awareness of what goes on in the mind in the present. And in that awareness lie hidden treasures of great strength. Because when I become aware of and acknowledge my vulnerability, it ceases of have its hold over me.

The 'being' of the mind may be likened to a vast sheet of still and calm waters into which the awareness of thoughts and feelings fall like a drop of water and ripple across the mind in clarity. The drop, after its moment of impact, spread outwards in ripples of lessening intensity leaving, behind still waters in its wake. Awareness of thoughts and feelings similarly may cause its momentary impact in the mind and then cease to hold dominion. 

So the power of the mind, to me, is not about having the ability to eschew certain so called ‘negative thoughts and desires’. Because that in itself would only serve to focus on and fuel it further. Rather, the mind becomes powerful when its grinding wheels of never ending thoughts stop churning for some time to just ‘be’ in the moment.


In that act of ‘being’, it becomes aware of and acknowledges deep seated thoughts, feelings and emotions without putting labels to it. And then moves on, because thoughts & feelings once acknowledged, cease to hold sway over the mind.  

And that’s when we have a ‘Mind with Awareness’, a powerful state of mindfulness to be in.

For further readings on awareness, go to my blog Awareness in Rapport.