90 days

Great expectations

March 11 2020 

The start of what we (the Mr and I) expected to be a long awaited month long vacation, starting with a wedding in the family at Phoenix, Arizona, USA. Why long awaited? Well, it had been a decade since my last overseas trip, coincidently to the USA again, and a decade since I'd taken a much deserved long vacation (discounting the 3 days short vacations or the Christmas times spent with the parents. Those are not vacations in my opinion, just breaks 😊).

Much excitement in the air from months before- a wedding to attend and a vacation to plan. You can imagine! A friend very wisely told me in Jan /Feb this year that much of the enjoyment of a vacation is in the planning and researching for it. Well, that certainly was true for us, in hindsight. Youtube videos, good old wiki, traveller reviews etc. gave us much to imbibe even as we planned our trip in minute detail. Months spent on learning a new language, Spanish, for our trip to Peru. (Well, duolingo is certainly an app I'd recommend to anyone wanting to learn a new language.)

Come march 2020, and we were set, or so we thought 🙄. 

Strange realities

Then in Jan/feb 2020 came the Corona to crown the vacation of all vacations. Come march 1st week 2020, and the question was - to do or not to do. Million dollar question - literally. Well, to cut a long story short, we decided to go ahead, mainly as we were to be the only immediate family representatives at the wedding, and partly also because the travel agent said that we would barely get any refunds of money spent. We decided to leave my "super senior" dad and "young adult" son in the care of each other for the next month and leave for the wedding. 

So off we went, armed with sanitisers, gloves and masks. Diligently disinfecting aircraft seats and well, we did not wear masks as the WHO then did not recommend it. Only to be greeted on arrival at Phoenix by the WHO news of declaring the covid 19 as a pandemic. 

One of the great parts of this story - it was one of the most enjoyable weddings I've ever attended (including my own 😉). From a slew of firsts - first henna on my hands (yes, imagine that!!), to my first group Indian dance at the wedding (I realised belatedly, that left and right leg/hand coordination is what it's all about 🙄), to experiencing a bridal shower (what fun it was to teach the Americans how to drape a saree😂), to a lovely and moving wedding ceremony, and the emotions of seeing a girl I'd fallen in love with when she was a 10 day old newborn, marrying the man of her dreams. And most importantly, no one from the wedding ceremony contracted the Corona. Phew ✌️

Then boom.... All well laid plans went kaput. Well, we did what mankind has always done well....we adapted. Decided to cut short our trip and return post haste after the wedding. Only to find our plans thwarted at every turn - cancelled flights, and a narrow miss of the window of opportunity return of the last flight into India, before clamp down on international flights into India. 

So then began our sojourn in Phoenix for the unforseeable future. Living in an airbnb (not my sister's place as some believed), practicing physical distancing became the norm - we simply avoided crowded places. Which meant that we stayed put at the airbnb. We were fortunate to live in a place where population density was less. Stepping aside to maintain physical distancing during a walk became an art form.  Hoping against hope that the Indian airspace would open up soon. 

And when it opened up, the endless emails/calls to the Embassy and others for help to find a way to get onto those few evacuation flights. Of hope and despair everytime a phase of flights would go by without our names on it. On and on, with no end in sight... Hope became our only support. 

Unprecedented learnings 

1. Remember what I said about researching for the vacation? Well, the universe decided that I had not done enough research...and it was true. I thought Arizona was all about the Grand Canyon (and it surely is beautiful and another majestic high point of our visit - I felt humbled beside it), 

the red rocks of Sedona,

the beauty and cold of Flagstaff

and the caves and museums. 

So life decided that it would teach me about the small things - the various Arizona cactii and it's beautiful blooms, 

the calls of the mockingbird, the strut of the Gamble Quail (click here for video - Gamble Quail ), the buoyancy of the hummingbirds, (click here for video - Hummingbird's buoyancy),

the life giving kiss of a bee, 

the freezing of a rabbit in fright, 

the rare sighting of the coyote, 

the sheer joy of sighting a bear, 

The slow slither of the long nose snake sunning itself on the sidewalk (click here for video - long nose snake), the silence of the rattlesnake, 

the upright posture of the round tailed ground squirrel (click here for video Round tail ground squirrel), the exhilarating feel of gravel and stones under the feet on a long tough mountain hike, 

and the myriad hues of the sunrises and sunsets.

And what a learning it was. Certainly not from youtube or wikipedia. But simply the best that one can have. From nature itself. Which I'd forgotten to do in the daily humdrum of life. 

2. I learnt to stop, take a pause and observe the subtle beauties of life, from one breath to the next, moment by moment. And I slowly learnt to cope day by day...with uncertainty, hope and despair, anxiety of leaving an elderly parent with a young adult son (well children are always young for a parent), loss of income and with complex human dynamics of people thrown together by a pandemic. 

3. I learnt that drawing on one's own internal resources for strength is easy to preach, more complex to make an ongoing habit through the toughest of times. Mind you, this despite my decade long experience in mindfulness practice and meditation. Some friends did comment that I was calm and collected, fewer know that I had my few moments of meltdown, when external events overcome the best of me. Many thought it was a second honeymoon for the Mr and me, an extended holiday. And while this gave us undiluted time together, I'm also grateful to the people who looked beyond the obvious and took time to  understand the not so obvious. Those who gave a call/texted  to check how we were doing. You know who you are - thank you! And I learnt the power of simple words of enquiry, a single call, a one line text... I learnt that even when I am strong emotionally, it is OK to lean on others at times, to take a moment to unburden my angst on another's shoulders. I learnt that it is fine to be able recognise my feelings for what they are and move on. I learnt that I don't have to be strong all the time. Above all, I learnt to go with the flow. To accept that even in uncertainties to rest assured that the One more powerful than I, holds the certainties in His hands. 

4. I also started looking for larger purposes 🕵️at work even in the most difficult of times. At times it did make sense to me. Oftentimes, it did not. What I do know however, is that the dots will surely join together for me some years down the line. 

5. Health - well one of the larger purposes was surely for both the Mr and I to become fitter 😊. Over 12 kg loss in weight for the Mr

and a modest 5.5 kg for me.

Well, modest it may be, but I became the weight I was when I got married💃. More importantly, a practice of intermittent fasting I'd started 2 years ago, took hold, expanded and became firm. 

Walking 🚶‍♀️as an exercise was a chore, I'd earlier conveniently skip whenever possible. 

Now, the 7 to 9 km daily walks became the lifeline of my existence. Documented faithfully through my face book posts. I craved the freshness it brought to my life. The simple act of acknowledging another human being (which I admire the Arizonians for), making new friends brought light to my life. Hopefully, walking is something that's reframed in my life for the positive. Time will tell... 

6. The well wishes from people known and unknown, the willingness of others to lend a helping hand when needed. A revelation that people just wait for opportunities to help, should we just ask for it. 

Greater sojourn endings 

Then the big announcement that tickets for evacuation flights would now be on sale! Morning wake up alarms were set, strategies worked out (after all it all boiled down to a game of fastest finger first with a little over 3000 seats for 40000 persons waiting for evacuation from the USA). The Mr would take the even dates, I'll do the odd dates - flights were scheduled from the 11th to 30th June. 

The nail biting finish. The first false start, I went all the way to payment only to find the seats blocked were no longer available. The phone touch screen let me down, as I'd incorrectly selected a seat. Nerves of steel required. The Mr telling me to be cool. Then he managed to get through to payment stage for a date, later realised it was for the 11th itself. Then yippee, payment through. Indescribable moment. Emotional release. I cried. A miracle had happened. 

I then rushed to check on the others in the group, as tickets were all unavailable within half an hour. They were all unsuccessful. Hour after hour of trying, and then miraculously 16th became available and tickets were booked for all. Phew! 

To cut a long story short, we quickly sorted out our travel to San francisco from where the evacuation flight started. First the journey to San francisco (which by the way was on our original itinerary - a day in reality versus the week originally planned). Apart from brief health scare the day before travel, some instances which warm the heart - the Mr's friend's insistence to show us some sights of the city (which for me was a blur as I had only one objective - to get on the flight AA1174). 

And more importantly for me, a dear friend who travelled to the airport, as she simply had to meet me when I "was in her backyard" (with covid precautions of course - air hugs, masks etc.) 😍

The return journey was not for the faint hearted. Standing for a total of 3 hours in 2 different queues - one for thermal check and another for check in,

surely took a toll on one legs (despite all the marathon walks). The masks and vizors did not make the journey any easier.

Prepacked meals kept on the seat (no piping hot service) jostled with leg space later.

A loaded wallet lost in the plane (and now found and awaited). A plethora of events and emotions. 

Oh, but the sweet sigh of relief on reaching Bengaluru.... Indescribable. The service and organisation at BIAL airport, one of the best I've seen. The covid care precautions taken (see baggage fumigation at Taj Vivanta ) and the warmth as well as courtesy at the Taj Vivanta hotel, touches the heart.

Day 2 of quarantine. The rest of the 14 day quarantine lies ahead and before long, it will be home sweet home. 

March 11 to June 11 

90 days - a dream......the present - a miracle. 

Every step along the way, a journey to get us to where we are to go. 

Breathe in the moment, it takes us to the next one. Each one a miracle. Let's slow down to experience it. 

Ruminations of a quarantined mind

It's been a month since I've been in a country far away from my own, in a lockdown period necessitated by covid 19. A month of highs and lows, certainties and uncertainties, joys and angst. As I reflect on the workings of my mind and body this past month, a few reflections come to mind. 

1. The body is in quarantine. And it's good and necessary at this time. For the most part, I think people believe in the necessity of quarantining ourselves for our own good health. My thought : how often do we quarantine our minds? Quarantine aka 'a state of isolation'. Away from the hustle and bustle of talk, other talk and self talk. To concentrate on just being....rejuvenation.

2. Some minds tend to be in a perpetual state of anxiety. It thrives on anxiety. Feeds on worry. In the absence of anything else to do, it chews the cud. With self and with others. Paranoia in some cases. In normal course of events, life happens and much of this may be camouflaged, swept under the carpet, attention diverted. But during a forced quarantine,....true fears/emotions begin to emerge... nowhere to hide...at times. 

3. Some minds, on the other hand, prefer to play ostrich. Bury itself. Attempt any kind of diversionary tactics to avoid facing itself. Uncomfortable with reality, escapism prevails. Busy bodies and minds. If I don't acknowledge it, it doesn't exist. Bury it deep within... Not seen... Not heard... Not felt...Not acknowledged. Till, a tipping point is reached. And then boom... It may swing to the other end of the paradigm. 

4. Some minds, reach out to touch the inner being, and then quickly pull out. Like standing before a beautiful pool of water, dipping a toe in and quickly pulling out. Shallow immersions. Choosing instead to engross the mind in other 'more important - less painful' activities. 

5. Some minds on the other hand, face this isolation of the mind with equanimity. Even relish it at times. It's that time to dig deep, get past the fluff, get face to face with ourselves... and all its perfections and imperfections. To get to the hidden reserves of inner strength...communion with the deepest inner self/being... An Oasis in the dessert. (Communion - "the sharing or exchanging of intimate thoughts and feelings, especially when the exchange is on a mental or spiritual level."). Spirituality in it's deepest form. Be still and know... 

Question to each of us: do we take time off periodically to quarantine our minds? Are we comfortable facing our innermost selves? Without varnish, in it's deepest truest form? What hidden treasures do you think we might find this way? 

When the mind settles into itself

Last week, on an early morning flight, I struggled to find sleep. I closed my eyes, and what do I find? A cacophony of thoughts which refused to let me fly…to fly to the land of bliss. My mind knows that my body needs its rest before a full day’s work. I know the theory…close eyes…blank my mind…. but no, did not work. My thoughts and ideas were determined to have their dance. And through their dance, hold my mind hostage.

Hostage? Isn’t that too strong a word? Absolutely not. What else can I call it? When thoughts hold the mind in a tightening grip. Against its will? Surely not. Did I ever pause to listen to the mind? To allow the self to come to mind?

If I did, I would liken my mind to the incessant chatter of a monkey. After a point, I become unaware of little else. It becomes the norm.  The thoughts that flit through, the feelings and emotions. They become so much a part of me, that I tend to forget. To forget that I am not my thoughts. I am not my feelings. I am not my emotions. Silence of the mind was an alien concept to me, till a few years ago, till mindfulness came to play.

So, I settled into my flight. Closed my eyes and began the focus again…this time on the thoughts that held court in my mind. I allowed them to be. I shifted focus to my breath. In and out. So much a pattern. And noticed that they did not falter. They rose and fell like the tide of the ocean. Slowly and steadily. Rolling in and out gently. They rise, only to fall. And fall, before they rise. Unending. Always. Where would I be without my breath? That was a thought. And I found that thoughts still demanded entry into my mind. But this time, they flitted through. They gently floated through the rooms of my mind with the waves of my breath.

I noticed that when I shifted my awareness to my breath, my thoughts lost their stranglehold on me. I am no longer my thoughts. They are a small part of me, much like my breath, much like I am part of this whole universe. My emotions no longer feed me. I realise that I feed them, by dwelling too much on them. Letting go… like the waves of the ocean. Rising and falling. Experiencing them in the moment and letting go.

And let go, I did. To the land of breathing and living in the magical awareness of the soul. The cusp between the conscious and unconscious. Unaware that I had fallen asleep. Awareness to conscious reality, only when I was awoken by the flight attendant for meals.   

In stillness...

How many of us are comfortable with stillness? We tend to surround ourselves with voices, sounds, people, laughter…seeking comfort and a reason for living in them. While they all play a part in shaping, developing and providing meaning in our lives, do we ever take the time to quieten down and be still?

‘Stress management’, ‘Slowing down’ are all jargons that have somehow become words that are bandied about by all and sundry. These words conjure up visions of idyllic holiday spots and activities that are again filled to the brim with…well, voices, sounds, people, laughter. So what’s different? The stresses and anxieties get waylaid for a while, providing a temporary relief to many; only to raise their heads at the next opportunity.

Are you comfortable with stillness? In stillness…I find what I want to find. It could be love, comfort, God, the Spirit, relief, joy, sounds or music. The words from William Wordsworth’s famous poem, ‘The solitary reaper’, come to mind:
“I listened, motionless and still;
And, as I mounted up the hill,
The music in my heart I bore,
Long after it was heard no more.”

What strikes me here is the idea of listening to stillness, and carrying away its music in the heart.

• In stillness, my world slows down and the mind pays attention to the soul within. 
• In stillness, I listen to my body and become aware of subtle nuances that I would otherwise miss. 
• In stillness, I become aware of my breath and how my whole being rests on that simple pattern of inhalation and exhalation. 
• In stillness, I realise that all that matters is internal, not external; that all I need is within, not without. I realise that all that is without can only add to the experience from within. 
• In stillness, I experience that my core is within. 
• In stillness, comes a sense of oneness with the divinity or the spirit within, a peace, a communion with the self. 
• In stillness, I experience the motion within.

With stillness, come purity, refined thoughts and words that don’t matter. The words of the song ‘Hallelujah’ by Leonard Cohen are very apt:

“There’s a blaze of light in every word
It doesn’t matter what you heard
The holy or the broken Hallelujah”

With stillness comes awareness of myself as a whole. An awareness, that starts the process of transformation from within.
With stillness, comes a sense of equanimity, inside and out.

So take time to be still, and listen to the voices from within. Take time to be still, and listen to the music within. Take time to be still, and listen to the secrets of the silence within. Take time to be still, and be attentive to what is going on within. Take time to be still, and become aware of the movements within. Take time to be still and harness your strengths from within.

Take time to be still...and just be...