Getting in sync with myself

As I was wondering over the last few days about what should be the topic of my next blog post, my mind wandered and flitted from topic to topic like a hovering butterfly. However, no words magically came to mind. Is this what’s called ‘writer’s block’, I wondered? Finally, I closed my eyes and asked my inner self to guide me. The answer I got was to get in sync with myself. What I have understood of myself the past year is that no words flow from mind to pen to paper, or in this case: from mind to keyboard to MS word, unless I tap into the deep well within me.   

A deep well within? Call it what you may – a deep well of still waters, an oasis of calmness,  the sounds of pin drop silence. Each of us may have experienced it at some point in our lives. And those of you who haven’t – try it, it’ll change your life forever.

So how do I get to this deep well within me? Two words – Just be. I don't have to 'do' anything. Its there for the taking, if I am still enough.

How do I know that I am there? Simple – it becomes a moment in time when everything fades away, leaving me aware of the silence within and the sounds without. It is that moment in time when I become empty of feelings within and become aware of feelings around.  It is that moment in time when the cacophony of voices in my head stop and the thoughts of my mind-maps become blank, leaving empty spaces for different words and mind-maps of situations around me.

And what happens when I get there – to this place within me? I become so tuned into myself that I get a sense of the immense resources that are available within me. It empowers me to be myself in a way that I want to be. I GET IN SYNC WITH MYSELF. I have seen this happen at close quarters recently, with a terminally ill patient – who would regularly go within, to tap into hidden powerful resources that helped her cope with immense pain without morphine. I marveled at it then, and I marvel at it now. And I marvel at the fact that this experience is within reach of all – if only we are 'still' enough.

What happens when I get in sync with myself? I find that I am at peace – with myself and with the world around me.  I find that I have choices to behave in a way that I choose to and not because I was constrained to by situations/ persons outside my control (much as my mind would love to apportion blame elsewhere). Having choices give me flexibility of behaviour and I assume responsibility of my actions.There comes an alignment of who I am, my behaviour and what I do. I find empowerment of self – body and spirit, and in that empowerment comes a sense of oneness and a divine alignment.  A communion with the Spirit...

Here's to a happy syncing of mind, body and spirit.

Who am I?

A recent conversation brought this question to mind – Who am I? While this question may have been directed ‘at’ you many a time, I am curious to know how many of us ask this question 'of' ourselves.

Each of us would have our own unique ways of explaining who we are… A wife, husband, brother, sister, daughter, son, father, mother, a name that we are known by, a friend, a boss, a co-worker, a profession that we relate to…the list is endless. We often define ourselves by the relationships we have with others. In this highly competitive world, we quite often also define ourselves by our chosen career, our profession.

Many of us, including myself, often fail to realise that these are all labels that we give ourselves.  And these labels sometimes become so much an integral part of us that they tend to encompass and take over our very being. We get so steeped within the framework of the label that it begins to define us - who we are, what we do and often becomes the sole reason for our very existence. The labels we give ourselves become us – our identity. We limit ourselves to the labels we assign ourselves. The very fact that we could be something more than the parameters that we set for ourselves through these very labels, seems anathema to us.

Often this identification of self with something/ someone/a relationship tends to throw up disquiet. We tend to see-saw between two apparently opposing ends of a spectrum – two polarities. This throws up such confusion that when we are at one end of the continuum, we feel disquietude and wish to move to the opposite end, neither quite offering the solace the self needs.    

The loss or even the threat of loss of the label attached to our ‘identity’ oftentimes tends to throw us into total incomprehension and chaos. If a label is taken away, we very often wouldn't know what to do. Take a moment to introspect – if you identify yourself with your profession/ job/ designation and that were taken away, how would you feel (keeping financial implications aside)? If you identify yourself with your role as a parent, sibling, child and that were taken away, what would it do to you? Phew, are we venturing into uncharted waters now? Scary isn't it?   

Now take a deep breath, a moment to pause… and ask this question: ‘When I define myself the way I currently define myself, what part of me does that definition leave out?” Can it be that in attaching my identity to a particular label(s) there are parts of me that are glossed over? Keep doing this, going deeper and deeper each time, till you get a sense of how much of you is glossed over by the label(s) you assign to your identity. Now the crux: Ask yourself “what would happen if I did not attach my identity to those labels?” You’d be surprised at the answer your unconscious throws up. A greater awareness of the labels we take on as our identity, is a good place to begin.

Who am I? What if I am just a being, having the myriad ‘labels’ that I profess to love so much simply floating around me, as if in a formless space. Then I could pick up and put on any of them at will, for a time and particular season. What if I identify myself with none of the labels – free to take on different avatars at different times? What if in doing so I could just be myself? And in just being myself, opposing labels of a continuum could be in equanimity? Do I have to attach myself to a label? Who am I? Nothing…     

A year of getting to know…myself

A new beginning, a new year… maybe new resolutions for many…and for some like me, a time of reflection into the events of the past year. 2012 has been a memorable year - for me and several others known to me; the reasons being many and varied for each person. As I ponder over what exactly set this year apart from the others, many events come to mind. Weddings, funerals, special anniversaries, births, professional strides, new hobbies…then I realise that these are just events. As I ponder deeper within, I realise that all these events represent surface points of a deeper process at work within me – it’s been a year of getting to know more about myself. A year of peeling off more surface skin to get to the essence of I, me, myself.

With more than half my life over (I guess…), you would imagine that I would know myself…no hidden secrets. Well, life had a way of throwing me for a loop this past year, and in hindsight it’s been a beautiful personal journey of rediscovering myself. Let me share with you, a few things that I got to know about myself, which might just about trigger thought processes in you.

1. Realising hidden talents - The year started out with a brand new avatar of me taking shape – in written form. My blog was up and running end January. It’s been a marvellous year of penning my thoughts to paper – something I had never done before in my life. And from the sheer number of pageviews my blog gets from across the world (i.e. for a regular, normal person like me) – over 4000 pageviews in 11 months(and no, it does not count my viewing), courtesy I think of some SEO that I may have unknowingly cracked in Google search engine – I realise that maybe, just maybe, I have tapped into some hidden potential of spewing written words in prose and poetry…in a manner that reaches out to people.

My learning: Listen to my inner voice and do/write what it prompts you to. It’s never too late in life to start developing a new talent.

2. Deep treasures of emotional  strength - It took a comment made by a cousin to trigger a reflection into my next learning of myself. It’s been a tough roller coaster ride emotionally and physically the past year – taking care of my terminally ill mother and then reconciling to her death. From comments made, I understand that to the outside world – friends, family - my behaviour through it all represented strength and resilience during a tough period. When I now look back – I don’t know how I went through it all. Taking time to meditate and be with myself, I tapped into hidden nuggets of deep set resources which enabled me to be strong during this period. 

My learning: There are hidden resources within each of us to deal with every one of life’s challenges. We are never thrown into life’s deep end without essential life support.

3. Being comfortable with my vulnerability – When I put up “An ode to my mother” on Facebook, it received much appreciation. Some expressed that it required great strength to put my emotions on display. Now on reflection, I realise that it was possible because I am now comfortable with my vulnerabilities.

My learning: True strength lies in acknowledging the power of ‘perceived’ vulnerabilities.      

4. Sensing answers from within not without – One of the most profound learnings of the year has been the internal sourcing of answers to life’s queries. Instead of a habituated externalisation of thoughts and queries, I started new habits of sensing solutions to perceived problems from within, from my unconscious. The results have been mind boggling, the choices that open up - amazing. Internal integrations of emotions and feelings resulting from a sense of deep spiritualisation from within.

My learning: We have all the answers within us, if we care to search within. Internal integrations thus attained, lead to a sense of grounded well-being. 'Habits we put in practice end up shaping the people we are within' - David Brooks.

5. An ability to reach out and touch others in their pain – This has been a year of another firsts. Friends, family reaching out to me for support and help. Recommendations from friends enabling strangers to approach me with their problems.

My learning: Knowing myself enables me to guide others on the path to know themselves – somehow it benefits them. Reaching out and giving to others of oneself gives a personal sense of satisfaction deep within. 

6. Being part of a divine plan and purpose – Above all, every event of the last year brought home the fact that there is a divine plan and purpose for everything. Everything happens at the right time for the right purpose with the right person, though I may know of it in hindsight.

My learning: There is a divine alignment of every event of my life with a divine purpose and plan. Everything happens for the best, though we know not how.

Wishing everyone a year of happy rediscovery of themselves, leading to an integrated sense of well- being and a greater rapport with the self.    

Remembrances

The fog lifts its wispy weight, light filters through

Creating illusions of a new world, realigned maps of living

Shifting sands, new beginnings, new sounds & feelings

Seamlessly integrating old maps and new.

In the midst of the new, come remembrances of the old

Remnants of a word, sweet fragrances, tastes of yore

Rejuvenating feelings, pangs of remembrances

With fleeting glimpses into a world known before.

The world forges on, no room for those gone

Things to be done, compelling like a song

Taking comfort in daily routines, finding succour in faith

Days pass by; nights pass by, with grace and hope.

Days of a past life, sweet remembered fantasy

Captured words, sounds, experiences of a life time

Cherished treasures, bringing succour in the night time

Bottled remembrances, for ever in eyes that see.

Now, a struggle to remember a loving face

A soft nuance in voice, tender touch of a hand

Finding they are just wisps of the lifting fog

Butterflies that give joy, never to be caught.

Tears give way, despair moves to hope

Beginnings of a smile, taking comfort in the ‘now’

Life’s intricate mosaic designs, a kaleidoscope

Designed, created, executed, by One who knows best.

From dust to dust, just an earthly chapter closed

Leaving memories galore, impressions of love

A feathery touch, an indelible mark

Alive as hope in our lives, forever in our heart.

-          Ann Joseph

Written in loving memory of my mother

List of poems penned:
Blessed are thy ways oh Lord http://rapportinrelationships.blogspot.in/2012/11/blessed-are-thy-ways-o-lord.html
Life - an Illusion http://rapportinrelationships.blogspot.in/2012/12/life-illusion.html
An Ode to my mother - http://rapportinrelationships.blogspot.in/2012/11/an-ode-to-my-mother.html
Remembrances http://rapportinrelationships.blogspot.in/2012/12/remembrances.html
Aloneness http://rapportinrelationships.blogspot.in/2013/10/aloneness.html

http://rapportinrelationships.blogspot.in/2014/11/moments.html

http://rapportinrelationships.blogspot.in/2014/11/when-love-finds-self.html
http://rapportinrelationships.blogspot.in/2014/12/what-is-love.html
http://rapportinrelationships.blogspot.in/2014/11/the-dance-of-truth.html

Life - an Illusion?

Helter-skelter we run everyday

Caught up in life’s daily race

Friends galore, work uninterrupted

Give meaning to living everyday.

Studies & books – life’s worth for some

Money & work – sustenance for many

For others – collectibles that give some relief

Status – a defining post for many.

Running after goals, at cost of some others

Is cause of pain too many;

Changing goal posts, where do they end?

A never ending race for many.

Good health enjoyed without a thought

Taking the body for granted.

It takes an illness to bring in some thought

And a lifestyle reformatted.

Realising dreams, Life’s sudden jerks

Success galore, Steep learning curves  

Here today, gone tomorrow

Wisps in the air, tricks of the mind.   

Attempting to understand what matters most

A lifetime’s journey for some

Till a pause at death’s stark post

Life’s kaleidoscope, still and dark.   

Here today, gone tomorrow

The mind struggles to make sense

Something and nothing – twin sides to being

Essentials to living, now and the morrow.

From nothing to nothing, no words need be

A sense of being, feelings deep within

Hope, faith and love, a reason to be

Abiding, ever present, forever within.
 - Ann Joseph

List of poems penned:
Blessed are thy ways oh Lord http://rapportinrelationships.blogspot.in/2012/11/blessed-are-thy-ways-o-lord.html
Life - an Illusion http://rapportinrelationships.blogspot.in/2012/12/life-illusion.html
An Ode to my mother - http://rapportinrelationships.blogspot.in/2012/11/an-ode-to-my-mother.html
Remembrances http://rapportinrelationships.blogspot.in/2012/12/remembrances.html
Aloneness http://rapportinrelationships.blogspot.in/2013/10/aloneness.html

http://rapportinrelationships.blogspot.in/2014/11/moments.html

http://rapportinrelationships.blogspot.in/2014/11/when-love-finds-self.html
http://rapportinrelationships.blogspot.in/2014/12/what-is-love.html
http://rapportinrelationships.blogspot.in/2014/11/the-dance-of-truth.html

Blessed are thy ways O Lord

Blessed are thy ways O Lord

Umpteen though they may be

Myriad paths and tangled webs

Leading to where we need be.

Countless are the times O Lord

That I have wondered aloud

If there be a God in the midst of pain

When sorrow overwhelms me.

Can it be that thorns and briars

Will transform into flowers and bloom?

Nay, it seems impossible

When seen in the midst of the gloom.

When I look back at times gone by

With memory filled heart and mind

Now lilies in bloom at every layby

Where first were arid lands.

Little did I know of a heavenly map

That takes us to where we need be

Providing succour to the weary heart

At every cross that seems too heavy.

Countless are thy ways O Lord

Providing hope to the weary

A hug, a word, love unmeasured

A deluge that calms the soul.

A rock, a refuge - that’s what You are

A shelter in every storm

Joining all the dots of my life

In sweet melodious symphony.

Blessed are thy ways O Lord

Wonderful in every which way

A thankful heart , eyes that now see

A divine plan that may be. 
    - Ann Joseph

List of poems penned:
Blessed are thy ways oh Lord http://rapportinrelationships.blogspot.in/2012/11/blessed-are-thy-ways-o-lord.html
Life - an Illusion http://rapportinrelationships.blogspot.in/2012/12/life-illusion.html
An Ode to my mother - http://rapportinrelationships.blogspot.in/2012/11/an-ode-to-my-mother.html
Remembrances http://rapportinrelationships.blogspot.in/2012/12/remembrances.html
Aloneness http://rapportinrelationships.blogspot.in/2013/10/aloneness.html

http://rapportinrelationships.blogspot.in/2014/11/moments.html

http://rapportinrelationships.blogspot.in/2014/11/when-love-finds-self.html
http://rapportinrelationships.blogspot.in/2014/12/what-is-love.html
http://rapportinrelationships.blogspot.in/2014/11/the-dance-of-truth.html

An Ode to my Mother

In this twilight time as I gaze at death’s door

Trying to snatch time with Mum against all hope

Remembering years gone by, time that has flown

Over 41 years of being moored at her shore.

As I look back through childhood, teenage and adulthood years

Through times of innocence, joy, despair, sickness and health

Despite roller coaster rides of love, anger and heart-burn

She remains the port of call during every storm.

Now when frail weak hands clasp mine for support

I remember that these hands once helped me walk.

When I soothe brows bowed in pain and grief

I remember with tears, times when she did the same.

Through knitted sweaters, embroidered linen & clothes stitched

A love for baking and a spotless house bereft of disorder

She never allowed her ‘ill-health’ to become a crutch

Rather, working doubly hard to ensure normal order.

Through all my teenage years

And through times I’ve got unwanted advice

I never would’ve imagined a time would come

When I would grieve so, and long for her advice.

Now as I reflect on her life & ponder what impacts me most:

A capacity to tap on hidden strengths from deep within

Turning ‘weakness’ into strength, bounce back from every post

A deep abiding love for all and faith in God.

When I see frail hands of my parents entwined

Holding in the present, a deep connection of nearly 50 years

I realise what a privilege I’ve been given

To be born to parents such as mine.

I take a snapshot of memories of my growing up years

And realise that in all of them she remains in pain

It grieves me so but I hope and pray

That she soon finds peace and rest for her weary soul.

As tears cloud my eyes and I can scarce write

I know I will grieve for times gone by

Only to realise that she lives in my life

And when I am quiet, I’ll hear her in my heart.
   - Ann Joseph

List of poems penned:
Blessed are thy ways oh Lord http://rapportinrelationships.blogspot.in/2012/11/blessed-are-thy-ways-o-lord.html
Life - an Illusion http://rapportinrelationships.blogspot.in/2012/12/life-illusion.html
An Ode to my mother - http://rapportinrelationships.blogspot.in/2012/11/an-ode-to-my-mother.html
Remembrances http://rapportinrelationships.blogspot.in/2012/12/remembrances.html
Aloneness http://rapportinrelationships.blogspot.in/2013/10/aloneness.html

http://rapportinrelationships.blogspot.in/2014/11/moments.html

http://rapportinrelationships.blogspot.in/2014/11/when-love-finds-self.html
http://rapportinrelationships.blogspot.in/2014/12/what-is-love.html
http://rapportinrelationships.blogspot.in/2014/11/the-dance-of-truth.html