Rapport in death

Wikipedia says “The word Rapport stems from the old French verb rapporter which means literally to carry something back. What a person sends out, the other sends back – They are in sync.” Yesterday, while in a meditative state, I was struck by this thought – Am I ready to accept death as a blessing? Can I accept that there could be rapport in death? Death – as applied to many different contexts – death of self, death to self, death of a loved one.

My thought process ran amok with startled thoughts and ideas. I remembered a Bible verse which says “Truly, truly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit”: John 12:24. I thought this was worth dwelling over. Could one ever be in rapport with death? One of the many definitions of death is a cessation of breathing, a termination or extinction of something. If so, how does death bear fruit?

Those who've experienced meditation will understand that we become aware of ourselves (self-awareness) when we extinguish the cacophony of noise that surround us. We become aware of our innermost being when we plough through the multitude of thoughts, ideas and feelings that flood our minds 24/7/365, to the deepest recesses of our being, where everything but “I, me, myself”, is dead. When we reach our deepest recesses, we reach a place of tranquility  resourcefulness, life-giving sustenance and a deep sense of communion with that part of ourselves which is called by different names by different people -the ‘Unconscious’ (as it outside of conscious thought and feeling) or the ‘Spirit’ .  When in this place, going by personal experience, the so called facets of life – sound, feeling, thoughts, words, actions – become immaterial. A state of rapport exists – between self (conscious self) and our innermost self (unconscious self). In death then, are we truly alive. We become dead to thoughts, words, sounds and feelings and become aware of the still quiet voice within us, which comes to life and becomes heard in the absence of the humdrum of daily life.

How about getting in rapport with the death of a loved one? The act of getting in communion with one’s innermost self is in itself an act which requires no words, thoughts, action or bodily interpretation. At the deepest level of rapport with another person, it’s an unconscious one and has no rhyme or reason or explanation. So what difference does the presence or absence of the bodily form of another person make to the rapport that exists between the two? Rapport between persons in its purest form is a communion of two souls, two spirits - when we can reach down deep inside ourselves and know that we touch and are in sync with the other. When we reach this level of rapport – we can truly count death in every form as a blessing.

Embracing vulnerability to anticipatory grief, pain and loss

 I read recently that there are oftentimes ‘peaks and valleys’ in the life of a terminally ill person. Corresponding with them are emotional ‘peaks and valleys’ in the lives of the caregivers, and I say this from my personal experience of the last few years and more profoundly, the last few weeks and days. The 'valleys' corresponded of late, in my case, to the periods of intense anticipatory grief and loss. Periods in which I thought I would crumble under the sheer agony of anticipatory grief. Hence this attempt to reach out to all those who might have had or be having similar experiences.

Rev Richard Rohr says that we need to become vulnerable to pain and that accompanying a loved person on the last few months, weeks and days of life’s journey is a profound experience – one which has the potential to change our lives, should we be open enough to allow that change to happen. I couldn’t agree more.

How do we deal with this concept called ‘anticipatory grief’, which is experienced by some, not all; and that too with varying degrees of intensity? Well it has been an extremely tough journey for me and it would have continued to be so were it not for certain things I did and experienced, small variations of what is called Visual –Kinesthetic -Dissociation in NLP.

1. Identify the crux of the grief. In peace and quiet, I asked my innermost self, my unconscious – ‘what is it that I am really grieving for?’ Keep asking till you hit the root. And the answer in my case was twofold: a) The grief of confronting and dealing with the actual death of the loved one, and b) the grief of loss – dealing with the emptiness that would ensue.

2. Keeping your eyes closed, form a mental image in fantasy, of what you are grieving for (in my case, I had to do it twice – one for each of the above). Take note of the people in it, the colours; frame it like a picture and keep it straight ahead and as far away from you as you desire. You do not have to force yourself to look at the picture if it causes you grief – just take quick nanosecond snapshots of the image and open your eyes in between those shots. Do this till you feel comfortable with looking at the frame at the distance it is kept. Bring it progressively closer and repeat the process.

3. Become aware of the emotions and subtle nuances in the picture. Stay with them; check what it does to you. If you were to become a bird and fly above and as close to the picture frame as possible, maybe even through the picture, become aware of how would it feel as you do so. Also become aware of the type of bird you have become. Get a feel of the changes in feelings and emotions as you bring the picture frame of the image as close to you as is comfortable.       

4. Take a moment to consider what additional resources you would like that future self of you dealing with/ in that picture, to have. What in your opinion would be the additional abilities and strengths that you would like yourself to have in the future when actually dealing with the situation in reality?

5. Identify those resources and give it to that future self in your framed picture. See how that transforms or changes the image. Check how that feels within. Does it feel fine, comfortable, peaceful? Take heed of any objections that your unconscious might raise and ask for its positive intention.  If ok, take a moment to feel those resources within you in the present. Become aware of how they change your emotions and feelings. Feel the movement of energy with you, the future being part of the present in you. And when you are comfortable with the experience, open your eyes.

Becoming vulnerable to experience pain throws open windows of awareness - awareness of self and others. Experiencing and becoming aware of learning’s from anticipatory grief and loss opens up deep pools of strength within, if we but learn to draw succour from them.

Communication in sales and customer service

Importance of communication in sales and customer service – is it much ado about nothing? Many a talk or seminar has been given on communication and sales. Countless books have been written. Sales training focus on product knowledge, selling techniques and touch points with customers. Yet, in all the training I do and interactions I have with salespersons in India, I find that if there is one prime focus area in sales and customer service that is lacking – it is communication.

What brought this on my mind? A couple of days ago, I received a phone call from a leading life insurance company in India – ostensibly to convey customer service guidelines. The sonorous voice of the telecaller, reading from a ready script was designed to send me to an early afternoon nap. It also put me off any further interactions with the company. The good part however – it gave me inputs for this blog.  Here are some of my reflections on the learning we get from the quality of the call - many of which have been oft repeated but little practiced among salespersons. 

1. Voice modulation – The importance of voice in sales or customer service cannot be over emphasised. This is irrespective of whether it is a face to face interaction or a tele-call. A hesitant voice will convey a lack of confidence to the customer. A sonorous voice will typify boredom. Let your voice project interest and excitement to the customer. Needless to say, voice modulation is the key. Your customer will make decisions based on how you communicate, not just what you communicate.

2. Pauses are intrinsic in a good communication – use pauses to check whether the recipient of your communication is with you on the same page. The person interacted with me talked with me in a robotic fashion – allowing me no time to even put a word in.

3. Encourage the customer to talk – it’s a well know but little practiced fact that the customer should speak more than the salesperson. Ask questions and get them to speak. Have conversations with the customer. They are to be talked with, not talked to.

4. Listen to customers. Practice TALK – Total Acceptance and Listening with Kustomers. Many an important sales trigger is lost because of lack of listening. Listen with total acceptance and empathise with the customer’s point of view.
5. KISS – Keep It Short and Simple, in the interest of clarity. Much as jargon sounds good, customers may not understand or be impressed. Keep the communication short. ‘Shorter and more sentences’ are better than ‘fewer and longer sentences’. 

Read other blogs on communication

Take charge of your communication

Communication patterns
Becoming better listeners

Elevator Sales Pitch – 10 tips to elevate your speech

A lot has been written and spoken about how an elevator sales pitch should be. For those of you for whom the term is new – it’s an introductory sales pitch that introduces you, your work and how it can benefit the person you are speaking to. It generates interest and is short enough to be communicated within the timespan of an elevator ride. This is something that a salesperson keeps ready and handy to be used at all times.

So I am not going to repeat what countless other people have said on how an elevator sales pitch should be constructed. What I would like to draw you attention to are some essential elements of an elevator speech, which could prove to be the tipping point of its success.

1. Spontaneous and eloquent – at the risk of sounding repetitive - practice, practice and practice till it appears spontaneous and not something that has been learnt out of the words of a book. Also, eloquence is the key. Fumbling through sentences takes the impact out of it.

2. Does your voice convey confidence in what you offer? In the absence of time to convey confidence through your product or service, the potential customer senses the strength of your service through your voice. Record your sales pitch and replay. How does it sound? Does your voice  need assertiveness, modulation, pauses?    

3. Simplicity is the key. The use of short crisp sentences, simple words cannot be over emphasised.

4. What is the benefit to the listener? Let the listener grasp what there is in it for him.

5. Rapport, rapport, rapport – get into rapport with the listener. Else your pitch will sound and feel obtrusive.

6. Elevator sales pitch should be what it suggests – short. Much as we like to hear our own voices, brevity is of utmost importance.

7. Inspire curiosity - Choose you words with care. They should offer a glimpse, tantalise and make the listener interested enough to give you a second hearing.

8. Take a moment to reflect if your gestures and body language inspire confidence. Are they congruent with the image and message you are sending across through words? The mirror gives true feedback.

9. Is your message appealing enough to paint a picture in the recipient’s mind, make him want to listen to you some more, inspire feelings of curiosity? Pay attention to the picture the message creates, the sound of it and the feelings it inspires – an ideal combination of all three.

10. Be flexible to adapt – the moment you sense a barrier, change your approach. The content can be the same – the approach different.  

Elevate your speech such that it catches attention even in an elevator.

For more readings on selling, read:

Selling skills of a successful salesperson

Five secrets to confident communication in sales

Saying No to the customer

Service in 'Customer Focus' while selling

Selling with a difference

Rapport in selling

Emotional vulnerability equates courage

Vulnerability equates courage? For many this is very difficult to comprehend. How can putting myself out there in the open - susceptible to emotional hurt - be a moment of courage for me? My thoughts, words and actions all naturally work towards ensuring that my vulnerabilities are least exposed. So I posture such that I am perceived to be someone with no chinks in my emotional set-up. It’s a defence mechanism which for many, come as natural as breathing.

In fact, many of us would equate emotional vulnerability with weakness. I would not like to put myself open to ridicule, pain and hurt. When I expose my vulnerability, what would others think of me? I would rather go without than open myself to scrutiny. Little do I realise however, that covering up or posturing, just feeds the feeling of vulnerability. And then the next time I feel vulnerable, it manifests itself even more within me. And so begins the vicious cycle, with little room for escape.

Yet there is hope for escape - By opening up and acknowledging my vulnerability. When I allow myself to reach out and confess, first of all to myself, that I am only human. When I decide to take that first baby step and test the ground, not knowing if my legs will support me or not; when I decide to take a chance & open out the window of my emotional framework to others- even if it is just a crack; that is when I take a chance on leaving myself open and vulnerable. This is an act of the greatest courage. Often what we perceive as a weakness, is truly courage and strength of the highest order. Just as a bean bag is often perceived to lack strength – it however provides an inner support in any which way.

It takes great courage to lay ones heart on the line in a relationship; it takes immense guts for a leader to admit that he/she too could make mistakes; it takes immense strength for a parent to be able to admit to a child that he/she may not be perfect and know everything. All it requires is a willingness to let go – to let go of self and allow myself to become vulnerable. In letting go, I realise that I drift into nothingness. And in that nothingness, lie my greatest strengths – for there is nothing to prove, nothing to protect myself from.

Does this willingness to be vulnerable come naturally? Not to me and to a million others like me.  It's a decision we take day after day after day. And with each iteration, it becomes just that little bit easier to open that window a wee bit more...to experience that strength, power and courage that comes with vulnerability.               

Selling skills of a successful salesperson

I have noticed that every salesperson has sales skills in varying degrees. What bears scrutiny are those critical selling skills which prove to be the tipping factor between the average salesperson and the confident, successful salesperson. In my opinion, these essential selling skills would be:

1. The skill of forging lasting relationships: The focus of sales is shifting from pushing a sale, to one based on relationship building. Successful salespeople develop their ability to develop client relationships that have its foundation based on honesty. These relationships go way beyond the surface skimming, back slapping interactions with the client. They move onto a deeper and subtle relationship of trust and rapport and an awareness of co-dependence. A point that is beautifully brought out in the movie “The Avengers (2012)”, that I viewed recently.  All the super heroes of the movie are brilliant on their own; however they attain success against the common enemy only when trust and rapport get established among themselves. The super salesperson also similarly needs to establish rapport, not only with the client, but 360 degrees – with team, organisation and the client. 

2. Listening skills: Contrary to what is generally perceived, the successful salesperson is one who invests more time in listening attentively to the customer than in talking to him. A lot is learnt of the customers’ needs and wants by listening attentively and understanding the customers’ requirements. Tough to practice when we are itching to take the reins in our hands and wanting to bulldoze our way through with a mouth that runs a mile a minute. Customers want to be heard most of the time. not talked to. It is a skill worth developing.

3. Skilful questioning:  In fact, successful salespersons go a step beyond listening and enable the customer to take the buying decision, simply by asking the appropriate questions. Questioning skills is an art that very few people are master of. And it goes much beyond what is commonly perceived as open and closed questioning techniques. It’s involves becoming aware of the deletions and generalisations and filling in the gaps through appropriate challenging questions.

4. Skilful projection of Confidence: in self, organisation and the product/service. The customer is quick to hone in on the slightest dip in confidence in the salesperson. Start believing in yourself, your organisation and the product or service you sell. Even a fleeting hesitancy shown in any of these areas will be quickly picked up by the customer. Self-confidence is projected through voice, mannerisms and product knowledge. If you don't know something, have the confidence to say so and then get the information. When you show confidence as if you already have it, it soon becomes reality.

5. Follow-up skills: Rome was not built in a day. Neither does a sale, with exceptions. One of the greatest investments a successful salesperson makes is in time. Determination to follow up without giving up is a hallmark of a truly successful salesperson.              

Other posts on selling:

Five secrets to confident communication in sales
Saying No to the customer
Service in 'Customer Focus' while selling
Selling with a difference
Rapport in selling
Elevator sales pitch - 10 points to elevate your speech

Relationships and shoe sizes

Relationships and shoe sizes? You may wonder what type of a new combo this is and also at the connection between shoe sizes and relationships. As part of growing up, I’m sure everyone has had varying experiences with changing shoe sizes. Relationships may be related to shoe sizes – they grow and change with time. I consider that any relationship, be it between partners, spouses, friends, employer-employee, parent-child may be divided into four phases and each phase is to be experienced in full and dealt with differently. The four Phases:

1. Nascency: The beginning of a relationship is a gentle one of exploration and tentative first steps, even as the shoe size of a child grows gently at first. This phase of a relationship is a ‘getting to know’ phase and needs to be treated with kid gloves. Much is learnt about the relationship, even as the child learns which shoe sizes, shapes and designs are suitable for him or her. A lot of excitement is there in the newness of the relationship and time is invested in it, even as a child who first starts wearing shoes spends much of his waking moments wearing the shoe.   

2. The Surge: After the initial phase, the growth of the shoe size of a child becomes steady, as do relationships which grow and flourish with time. During this period of growth, there are sudden spurts of intense growth followed by a period of lull when there no seemingly outward indication of growth. When relationships between individuals grow, an expectation sets in of how the pace or depth of relationship will be over time. And when it doesn’t happen as per expectation, doubts creep in. As happens with shoe sizes, nothing can be predicted. Even during periods of seemingly no outward growth, there is a deepening of relationship in the calm still steps, if only one takes the effort to become aware of it. 

3. Vacillatory: There are also times when the increase in shoe size of an adolescent seem disproportionate to the increase in height. This may sometimes lead to disenchantment and questioning of the process happening within. This largely happens due to expectations of the human mind. Situations crop up in relations that may sound discordant with the symphony of the relationship thus far. Much like a square peg to be fit into a round hole. One expects the relationship to proceed in a certain way and when it deviates from what we expect to be the growth path, doubts creep in surreptitiously.  Accept the deviations. Relationships rarely conform to expectations. It’s the expectation that is the culprit, not the relationship.  

4. Sustainability: After the growth phase comes the plateau. The shoe size reaches its destined final size. A comfortable place to be in, as there would finally appear to be stability. Relationships between individuals also reach a stage of maturity and understanding. It levels off at this point. A feel good factor creeps in. Sometimes complacency sets in. What may be done to nurture the relationship at this point? Consider what adults do, after the attaining their final shoe size. They keep the interest alive by exploring new depths like shoe designs, colours, materials etc. within the given shoe size. Relationships also need to be kept alive and vibrant by exploring new avenues to keep the relationship intact. That’s when both feet and relationships remain comfortable and flourish.

Experience of each phase of a relationship is unique for an individual as also the time spent on each phase. This may vary from relationship to relationship for the same person too. 

Other readings on relationships:

Labelling relationships

Awareness in rapport